Extremist Makeover: Feminism Edition

Since the 1970s, women have been striving to be seen as equals to men and have used feminism as a conduit for change. During the past 50 years or so, we’ve seen feminism take a more prominent role in our discourse. Then, within the past 5 years, feminism as we knew it has gone quieter than Hunter Biden during a drug bust at a crack house.

Turns out feminism has been replaced by a new ism, transgenderism. Even the National Organization for Women has bent the knee to its new transgender masters…or would it be mistresses? Either way, feminism has taken a bit of a beating recently, so I’m here to help. We need to make over feminism so it can stay afloat long enough for people to come to their senses.

And failing that, at least to recognize the irony of biological men telling biological women what womanhood is and women just accepting it.

The first thing we need to address is the elephant in the room: feminism has been ruined by feminists. One of my Immutable Truths of Life is “A cause’s worst enemy is the members of the cause itself.” And this is no truer than with feminism. What started out as women asking to be treated the same as men evolved into women demanding to be treated better than men. Yes, they want to both be seen as highly competent and strong individuals, but don’t want to give up the perks of being seen as the “weaker sex.”

And that’s why transgender women want to dictate what a woman is. To them, being a woman is like playing a video game on Easy Mode. They want all the perks of womanhood without having to be one. But it takes more than a dress and makeup to be a woman, and that’s exactly what feminists need to do to reclaim womanhood for those who were born women.

Don’t worry about being called a “bad ally,” either. The fact is trans women like Lia Thomas and Dylan Mulvaney aren’t allies to feminism. If anything, they want to replace women while simultaneously mocking them. As of this writing, Thomas still has her…twigs and berries, if you know what I mean, so she’s not even trying to pass as a woman. She’s still just a long-haired man who says she’s trans so she can dominate swimming.

Because that’s what employers are looking for these days: athletic prowess.

And Mulvaney…well, let’s just say she’s on the other side of the equation by playing up the “women are bimbos” trope.

Some allies they are, amirite?

Once womanhood is reclaimed from the Left, the next step is going to be a bit easier. One of the biggest complaints about feminists in recent years is how annoying and judgmental they’ve become if a woman doesn’t do what the feminist ideology of the microsecond demands. The thing is feminism isn’t one-size-fits-all. There are stay-at-home mothers who are just as strident as the rainbow haired harpy screaming about abortion rights, and it’s time the feminist movement recognizes that. The goal should be female empowerment, not female subjugation under a single banner.

And third, dump the “third wave” feminists. These nozzleheads are the ones who have not only made feminism unpopular, but lead the movement to kowtow before our new trans masters…errr, mistresses. They’re the feminist version of the Karen, but without the charm and warmth. And they will not be denied in their quest to turn feminism into their personal sword and shield. The movement as a whole would be better off without them. Let them go off and create their own version of feminism, and you’ll see your membership numbers soar.

Or at least they won’t be embarrassed to call themselves feminists.

Extremist Makeover – Harvard Edition

To say Harvard’s reputation as an elite academic institution has taken a hit is like saying “The View” is a TV show where ignorant harpies spew Leftist talking points and generally make asses of themselves: technically accurate, but wholly insufficient. Whether it’s the university’s tone-deaf response to anti-Israel threats and violence on campus to Claudine “Xerox” Gay’s ever-mounting plagiarism scandal or just having David “I Dohn’t Uze Spel Chek” Hogg as a graduate, Harvard is in need of some serious rehabilitation.

And I, being the solutions-oriented guy I am, am here to help.

With any type of rehabilitation, actual or metaphorical, the first step is setting challenging, yet attainable goals that keep any current shortcomings in mind. If you’re three days out of having knee replacement surgery, you’re not ready to compete in a decathlon. And to be fair and honest, Harvard isn’t ready to be respected institution of higher learning just yet. We have to start with baby steps.

And the first baby step I suggest for Harvard is to scale back its reputation as a premiere university. In fact, I think we should scale it back significantly until such time as Harvard’s reputation has gotten strong enough to reenter the pantheon of Ivy League schools.

That’s right. I’m talking Harvard becoming a community college.

But not just any community college, mind you. The only model that Harvard can possibly excel in right now is that of Greendale Community College from the TV show “Community.” For those of you unfamiliar with the show, Greendale is quite possibly one of the most poorly-run community colleges ever, with classes that even David Hogg could pass (albeit barely). Only the dregs of the dregs of academia attend Greendale.

Which means it’s perfect for Harvard.

And don’t worry. Harvard’s extension college will translate well into our Greendale-ized Harvard University. In fact, I’m thinking maybe the extension should be considered the real Harvard until such time as the Greendale-ized Harvard can be whipped into shape!

There are many other steps towards rehabilitating Harvard’s image, but this is as good a start as they deserve. Plus, you get to have an annual campus-wide paint ball game at the end of the spring semester to look forward to! Now, the Harvard Crimson won’t just be the color of the faces of those who go to school there!

Oh, and by the way…#sixseasonsandamovie

Extremist Makeover: Caucuses/Primaries Edition

As we enter 2024, this is like Christmas all over again for political geeks like me because we start having caucuses and primaries where the two major parties try to convince us they will do a better job at ignoring our interests than the other side. And for a few weeks, different states are the most important places for candidates to be. Then, before the confetti and balloons can be cleaned up, the candidates are off to a different state that will become the most important place to be.

This kind of political vagrancy isn’t without controversy, however. States like California have complained about how states like Iowa and New Hampshire get first crack at potential candidates while they have to wait for closer to the end of the selection cycle to pick who’s left. Iowa and New Hampshire, on the other hand, take pride in being the first in the nation to select candidates.

And then there is the barrage of political ads where PACs and candidates play fast and loose with the truth in an attempt to one-up the rest of the pack. Between the mailers, radio ads, TV ads, internet ads, and personal appearances, it’s getting to the point voters are tired of the process on Election Day…which is when the next campaigns seem to begin.

So, how do we fix this? Thankfully, I’m a solutions-oriented guy and I think I have some solutions.

1. Reduce the length of the caucuses/primaries to 4 weeks. With the interwebs, people are connected 25/8 (because Common Core math), so there really isn’t much of a need for candidates to travel from state to state to shake hands and kiss babies. Just don’t get the two mixed up, kids. Anyway, if we create a tighter window where candidates can meet with potential voters, there won’t be as much pre-election burnout and, at least theoretically, it will force candidates to make their best arguments first. Of course, some candidates don’t have good arguments to vote for them in the first place, so having their embarrassment limited to a month at most will help them realize their folly or retool for the next run.

2. Enforce truth in advertising laws for political ads. Every politician lies, and their campaigns only enforce the lies they want told. Compare that to, say, drug ads, where every possible side effect has to be named in case someone has an adverse reaction. Although electing a politician may not cause physical maladies, you can still have an adverse reaction. Instead of hiring a lawyer and filing suit against candidates, let’s take another tack and treat political ads the same way we treat drug ads with the same demand of honesty and transparency. That alone might prevent some political types from running in the first place, which makes the process better by subtraction! Win-win, baby!

3. Split up the caucuses/primaries so they can be done in a month. There are 56 caucuses and primaries among the states and American territories. By my math, that means we could have 14 caucuses and primaries for each of the 4 weeks. And, yes, California, it can be alphabetical, so you can be first in the nation for something other than bad ideas and worse politicians.

There are other options that are tangentially related to the process, but I think these will be a good start to making caucuses and primaries better for everyone.

Failing that, there’s always cage fighting.

Extremist Makeover: George Santos Edition

In case you haven’t heard, the House career of New York Representative George Santos came to an end recently. Yes, a man who dressed in drag, claimed to be Jewish and tried to explain it away by saying he was Jew-ish, and being a Leftist target for lying to voters (which would be a boon for Leftist politicians) was expelled by the House for…ethics violations.

Yeah. I laughed a lot when I heard that, too.

Anyway, Santos is out of a job and will need to rehabilitate his image. And me, being the equal opportunity helper that I am, I think I have just the thing to do just that.

Let’s start with the basics. George Santos is damaged goods. He’s been caught in a number of questionable situations with varying legal implications. He’s done some sketchy things with finances and broken the law doing it. In short, he’s more radioactive than Chernobyl.

So, what makes me think I can fix his image? Because I’m just stupid enough to try, dammit! And because there’s an obvious solution that will clear everything up and make Santos untouchable in Leftist circles.

All George Santos needs to do is say he self-identifies as Hunter Biden.

Think about it! The First Crackhead has all the sympathy from the Left, and they will circle the wagons at the first sign of criticism. After all, he’s a private citizen…who just happened to use his dad’s name and connections to get jobs an untrained chimp would be more qualified for than he was. You know, just like you and me!

Well, George Santos is in the same boat. He’s a complete scumbag (without ever trying to buy a dime bag) who is utterly irredeemable. No one would trust him to run the fryer at the local McDonalds, let alone anything above that pay grade. But qualifications don’t mean a damn thing if you’re connected to the Bidens! I mean, look at the patriarch!

Plus, there’s the added bonus of holding the Left to their bizarre mindset regarding personal identities. I mean, if a 6’6″ former linebacker wants to be called Loretta, the Left says we have to accept it. So, if George Santos says he identifies as Hunter Biden, the Left won’t have a leg to stand on (not that they usually do, mind you, but work with me here).

And the best part about it? Santos will get all the Leftists defending him without him having to commit the crimes Hunter has! He may still have to atone for the crimes he committed, but he can apply Leftist logic (a contradiction in terms) to the situation and the Left will have to defend him or be exposed as hypocritical idiots.

I’m pretty sure the Left will choose the latter option, but I can dream, right?

Extremist Makeover: Thanksgiving Edition

Hello, and welcome to another edition of Extremist Makeover! If you missed the first installment, shame on you! But since I like ya, I’ll let it go…this time!

Basically, Extremist Makeover tries to take something we know and try to improve its image by slapping a new coat of paint on it. Today’s installment involves one of my favorite holidays, Thanksgiving.

There was a time in this country when Thanksgiving meant something. Getting together with family, enjoying all sorts of food, watching the Detroit Lions lose again. You know, the really important things in life. But lately, Thanksgiving is treated like the Arbor Day of the fourth quarter of the year: recognized by a handful of people, but otherwise overlooked. Like Pauly Shore’s movie career.

In preparation for this piece, I did some thinking about the nature of society and the three major holidays of this time of year, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. All three of these holidays involve giving in some fashion, but only two involve tangible goods. For Halloween, you give out candy, or booze if you’re a parent of a trick-or-treater. For Christmas, you give presents. What do you give for Thanksgiving? Well, thanks. It’s literally in the name of the holiday!

This is where society comes into play. It wasn’t that long ago that people loved to spend time with each other in fellowship and food. With the advent of the Internet and social media, people are no longer interested in turkey and stuffing and more interested in taking pictures of the turkey and stuffing to post on Instagram. Oh, and taking selfies doing a turducken face.

As we’ve gotten more superficial and obsessed with material goods (yay capitalism!), we’ve forgotten how to give thanks or appreciate what we have. In turn, that’s turned Thanksgiving into a detour between Halloween and Black Friday. And the weekend after Thanksgiving turns into a detour between Black Friday and Cyber Monday where you can still buy a Blu-Ray player for $25, but you don’t have to leave your house to fight off your fellow human beings for it. So, yay, I guess?

In short, Thanksgiving is getting the short end of the shaft. And, as anyone can tell you, that cat Shaft is a bad mutha…where was I again? Oh, yeah, Thanksgiving! How do we turn our annual triptophan fix into something even the most superficial amongst us would want to be part of?

With the nature of modern society being what it is, you might think merchandising and advertising would be the answer. But you’d be wrong. Americans aren’t opposed to spending money on Thanksgiving, and only the dumbest person would be a hard sell on a day off in the latter half of the week, so we don’t need to raise awareness of Thanksgiving’s existence. What we need to do is make people care about it again.

For this, we have to look at what makes America tick these days. And what really gets us going is a combination of violence, getting something for nothing, competition, and the possibility of someone getting embarrassed and/or seriously injured. There’s only one thing I know of that ticks all those boxes.

Japanese game shows.

More specifically, Takeshi’s Castle, better known in the States as Most Extreme Elimination Challenge.

Basically, the idea behind the shows is people competing in a series of physical stunts to whittle down the contestants to only those who successfully beat the challenges. Then, the finalists compete in one last challenge until there is only one contestant standing, often literally.

The original show had over 100 contestants at a time, so to increase the likelihood of violence, getting something for nothing, competition, and the possibility of someone getting embarrassed and/or seriously injured, I think we should keep this number. And we shouldn’t limit the scope to just a few people who want to humiliate themselves on camera!

Pick out 100 people at random from all socioeconomic groups and offer fantastic prizes, like having their personal income taxes paid in full or a really nice set of steak knives. You know, something the whole family can enjoy.

So, where does Thanksgiving come into play? This competition would be held on Thanksgiving Day! Replace the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade and the Detroit Lions game with the new Thanksgiving tradition, Thanksgiving Thunderdome! With the stunts and challenges I have planned, we could rip through the contestants at a pretty good clip. And don’t tell me you wouldn’t get a lot of joy at watching Bill Gates try to navigate a field of cow patties while being chased by people who think Microsoft is the worst company ever? (Namely, anybody who has used a Microsoft product on a regular basis.)

All we need is a network to pick it up and we have ourselves a hit and a way to make Thanksgiving mean something again!

Until next time, keep your feet on the ground and your head on top of your neck.

Extremist Makeover: The Vice Presidency

Hey, kids, and welcome to a segment I’d like to try out and see if people like it. If so, I’ll try to do one of these every so often if only to give me an excuse to do something other than Leftist Lexicon entries. If not…well, I may still do it anyway because I’m a stubborn asshole.

Either way, I feel a bit of explanation is in order. Throughout my time on the Interwebs, I’ve been called a right wing extremist more often than I can remember, so for the purposes of a 2000s callback, I’m going to lean into it for the purposes of this sketch.

Remember those TV shows where they revamp a home and make it better than it was? I’m going to apply that same mindset to different topics that come to mind in the hopes of entertaining you and maybe, just maybe, giving you a new perspective. Or failing that, give you another reason to send me hate mail. With that being said, let’s get into this edition’s Extremist Makeover.

At one time, a President’s Vice President was as important a pick as the name at the top of the ticket. But after the past few elections, the Vice President has become less relevant than the footnotes of a Media Matters hit piece. Aside from a few Constitutional and ceremonial duties, the Vice President doesn’t actually do very much. If he or she is doing a good job, you typically don’t hear about him/her because, let’s face it, it’s a boring job.

And it’s not like it’s a lock for a better job. The last Vice President who got elected President was Puddin’ Head Joe, and neither of his stints were all that memorable. Anymore the Vice Presidency is a safeguard for the President because nobody wants to see that person with access to the nuclear codes. Think I’m wrong? Take a look at this list of less than luminaries.

George H. W. Bush – sorta wimpy, hates broccoli and the laps of Japanese leaders

Dan Quayle – young guy, bad speller

Al Gore – the archetype of every “typical white man” joke ever told

Dick Cheney – Wilfred Brimley with a shotgun

Joe Biden – an incompetent dumbass whose resume in the private sector is lighter than a supermodel’s snack

Mike Pence – what would happen if mayonnaise gained sentience and assumed human form

Kamala Harris – someone I wouldn’t trust on a diplomatic mission to Alderaan

And these are the Vice Presidents of the winners of the Presidency. The losers are far less impressive.

Let that fact roll around in your brains for a minute.

Clearly, the Vice Presidency has lost its luster, so how do we (or more specifically, I) fix that? Given the propensity of the Vice President to be the one voted Most Likely To Drool On Themselves from their respective high schools, it may not be in our power to make things better. However, I think we can make the role match the quality.

The Vice President is considered the Second Gentleman or Second Lady in the case of the aforementioned Mrs. Harris. To better align the actual duties of the office with the most appropriate title, I propose the Vice President be called the Second Banana. For people unfamiliar with the term, a second banana is someone who supports the main act, specifically a comedian. Given how much of a joke politics has gotten recently, that’s not too far from the truth as it stands.

Since a second banana is there to support the first banana, there isn’t much expected of him/her, but there are times when the second banana can become a first banana through sheer popularity or excellent performance. That takes a lot of work and competence, which are in short supply in Washington, DC, these days. If the Second Banana wants to be considered for a spin-off (i.e. the Presidency), he or she is going to have to show the ability to carry it instead of just assuming it’s a done deal. That’s how we got “Joey” after “Friends” went off the air.

In short, changing the Vice President to the Second Banana will help bring about better Presidents while providing us with laughs for years to come!

So, what do you think of this Extremist Makeover? Do you have any ideas for future makeovers? Let me know!