Hello, and welcome to another edition of Extremist Makeover! If you missed the first installment, shame on you! But since I like ya, I’ll let it go…this time!
Basically, Extremist Makeover tries to take something we know and try to improve its image by slapping a new coat of paint on it. Today’s installment involves one of my favorite holidays, Thanksgiving.
There was a time in this country when Thanksgiving meant something. Getting together with family, enjoying all sorts of food, watching the Detroit Lions lose again. You know, the really important things in life. But lately, Thanksgiving is treated like the Arbor Day of the fourth quarter of the year: recognized by a handful of people, but otherwise overlooked. Like Pauly Shore’s movie career.
In preparation for this piece, I did some thinking about the nature of society and the three major holidays of this time of year, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. All three of these holidays involve giving in some fashion, but only two involve tangible goods. For Halloween, you give out candy, or booze if you’re a parent of a trick-or-treater. For Christmas, you give presents. What do you give for Thanksgiving? Well, thanks. It’s literally in the name of the holiday!
This is where society comes into play. It wasn’t that long ago that people loved to spend time with each other in fellowship and food. With the advent of the Internet and social media, people are no longer interested in turkey and stuffing and more interested in taking pictures of the turkey and stuffing to post on Instagram. Oh, and taking selfies doing a turducken face.
As we’ve gotten more superficial and obsessed with material goods (yay capitalism!), we’ve forgotten how to give thanks or appreciate what we have. In turn, that’s turned Thanksgiving into a detour between Halloween and Black Friday. And the weekend after Thanksgiving turns into a detour between Black Friday and Cyber Monday where you can still buy a Blu-Ray player for $25, but you don’t have to leave your house to fight off your fellow human beings for it. So, yay, I guess?
In short, Thanksgiving is getting the short end of the shaft. And, as anyone can tell you, that cat Shaft is a bad mutha…where was I again? Oh, yeah, Thanksgiving! How do we turn our annual triptophan fix into something even the most superficial amongst us would want to be part of?
With the nature of modern society being what it is, you might think merchandising and advertising would be the answer. But you’d be wrong. Americans aren’t opposed to spending money on Thanksgiving, and only the dumbest person would be a hard sell on a day off in the latter half of the week, so we don’t need to raise awareness of Thanksgiving’s existence. What we need to do is make people care about it again.
For this, we have to look at what makes America tick these days. And what really gets us going is a combination of violence, getting something for nothing, competition, and the possibility of someone getting embarrassed and/or seriously injured. There’s only one thing I know of that ticks all those boxes.
Japanese game shows.
More specifically, Takeshi’s Castle, better known in the States as Most Extreme Elimination Challenge.
Basically, the idea behind the shows is people competing in a series of physical stunts to whittle down the contestants to only those who successfully beat the challenges. Then, the finalists compete in one last challenge until there is only one contestant standing, often literally.
The original show had over 100 contestants at a time, so to increase the likelihood of violence, getting something for nothing, competition, and the possibility of someone getting embarrassed and/or seriously injured, I think we should keep this number. And we shouldn’t limit the scope to just a few people who want to humiliate themselves on camera!
Pick out 100 people at random from all socioeconomic groups and offer fantastic prizes, like having their personal income taxes paid in full or a really nice set of steak knives. You know, something the whole family can enjoy.
So, where does Thanksgiving come into play? This competition would be held on Thanksgiving Day! Replace the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade and the Detroit Lions game with the new Thanksgiving tradition, Thanksgiving Thunderdome! With the stunts and challenges I have planned, we could rip through the contestants at a pretty good clip. And don’t tell me you wouldn’t get a lot of joy at watching Bill Gates try to navigate a field of cow patties while being chased by people who think Microsoft is the worst company ever? (Namely, anybody who has used a Microsoft product on a regular basis.)
All we need is a network to pick it up and we have ourselves a hit and a way to make Thanksgiving mean something again!
Until next time, keep your feet on the ground and your head on top of your neck.
Tag: extremist makeover
Extremist Makeover: The Vice Presidency
Hey, kids, and welcome to a segment I’d like to try out and see if people like it. If so, I’ll try to do one of these every so often if only to give me an excuse to do something other than Leftist Lexicon entries. If not…well, I may still do it anyway because I’m a stubborn asshole.
Either way, I feel a bit of explanation is in order. Throughout my time on the Interwebs, I’ve been called a right wing extremist more often than I can remember, so for the purposes of a 2000s callback, I’m going to lean into it for the purposes of this sketch.
Remember those TV shows where they revamp a home and make it better than it was? I’m going to apply that same mindset to different topics that come to mind in the hopes of entertaining you and maybe, just maybe, giving you a new perspective. Or failing that, give you another reason to send me hate mail. With that being said, let’s get into this edition’s Extremist Makeover.
At one time, a President’s Vice President was as important a pick as the name at the top of the ticket. But after the past few elections, the Vice President has become less relevant than the footnotes of a Media Matters hit piece. Aside from a few Constitutional and ceremonial duties, the Vice President doesn’t actually do very much. If he or she is doing a good job, you typically don’t hear about him/her because, let’s face it, it’s a boring job.
And it’s not like it’s a lock for a better job. The last Vice President who got elected President was Puddin’ Head Joe, and neither of his stints were all that memorable. Anymore the Vice Presidency is a safeguard for the President because nobody wants to see that person with access to the nuclear codes. Think I’m wrong? Take a look at this list of less than luminaries.
George H. W. Bush – sorta wimpy, hates broccoli and the laps of Japanese leaders
Dan Quayle – young guy, bad speller
Al Gore – the archetype of every “typical white man” joke ever told
Dick Cheney – Wilfred Brimley with a shotgun
Joe Biden – an incompetent dumbass whose resume in the private sector is lighter than a supermodel’s snack
Mike Pence – what would happen if mayonnaise gained sentience and assumed human form
Kamala Harris – someone I wouldn’t trust on a diplomatic mission to Alderaan
And these are the Vice Presidents of the winners of the Presidency. The losers are far less impressive.
Let that fact roll around in your brains for a minute.
Clearly, the Vice Presidency has lost its luster, so how do we (or more specifically, I) fix that? Given the propensity of the Vice President to be the one voted Most Likely To Drool On Themselves from their respective high schools, it may not be in our power to make things better. However, I think we can make the role match the quality.
The Vice President is considered the Second Gentleman or Second Lady in the case of the aforementioned Mrs. Harris. To better align the actual duties of the office with the most appropriate title, I propose the Vice President be called the Second Banana. For people unfamiliar with the term, a second banana is someone who supports the main act, specifically a comedian. Given how much of a joke politics has gotten recently, that’s not too far from the truth as it stands.
Since a second banana is there to support the first banana, there isn’t much expected of him/her, but there are times when the second banana can become a first banana through sheer popularity or excellent performance. That takes a lot of work and competence, which are in short supply in Washington, DC, these days. If the Second Banana wants to be considered for a spin-off (i.e. the Presidency), he or she is going to have to show the ability to carry it instead of just assuming it’s a done deal. That’s how we got “Joey” after “Friends” went off the air.
In short, changing the Vice President to the Second Banana will help bring about better Presidents while providing us with laughs for years to come!
So, what do you think of this Extremist Makeover? Do you have any ideas for future makeovers? Let me know!