Well, as has become customary this time of year, I have been once again shut out of giving a commencement address to a college, university, community college, high school, junior high, junior college, barber college, hairdressing academy, or dog obedience school. And this year I thought I had a chance because the guy who played Urkel on “Family Matters” had a scheduling conflict. So, as is customary this time of year, I offer the commencement address I would have given had I gotten chosen.
Good afternoon soon-to-be graduates! It is my honor to stand before you today and regale you with anecdotes that will inspire you, or that you’ll forget 5 minutes after I leave the stage. Either way, you’ll get to deal with me for the next few minutes.
As you are about to embark on the next steps of your lives, it’s important to take stock of what you have done so far. Which…may not be that much. Fortunately for you, it will be a short exercise so you can spend your time on other pursuits.
Like what’s next?
Granted, you may not know what to do next, which is fine. You’re not expected to have your life mapped out just yet. Unless you’re in one of those families where your life is mapped out, that is. In that case, you can just go back to watching TikTok until I’m done.
For the rest of you, this is your time to explore your options. The world is your oyster! Unless you’re allergic to seafood, then the world is some other food that doesn’t cause you anaphylactic shock.
I see this isn’t going well. Let’s try again.
This is the time of your lives when you’re supposed to make mistakes, like piddling on the carpet. Just because you piddle on the carpet doesn’t mean you’re a bad boy or a bad girl. You are good boys and girls. Yes you are! [Author’s Note: This section was originally geared for the dog obedience school, but the piddling might also extend all the way to college, so I’ll leave it in.]
This is the time for you to do some self-discovery. Figure out what you’re all about and then run with it! And when you inevitably do a faceplant that will wind up online, you’ll get to experience the agony of defeat. For some of you, this is an old friend, but for others of you, this might be the first time you’ve experienced this. Either way, it will suck.
But that’s to be expected. Failure is a natural part of life; it’s just how big that failure turns out to be that matters. A minor mishap might teach you a lesson that you’ll carry with you for the rest of your lives. A major mistake might get you fired from a job. A colossal one will get you a career in politics or the media under the right conditions.
And I wish I were kidding about that.
Anyway, you’re going to fail at some point, so it’s best you prepare yourselves because that’s when you’ll find the real you. Not the you you post online. Not the you you project to the world. The authentic you. The you you don’t always show to outsiders.
And with that I’ve used “you” the most times ever in a commencement address.
Unfortunately for you (see I did it again), I’m not quite done yet. Fortunately, I won’t be much longer.
What I’m leading up to here is you can’t be afraid to fail. It’s not something you should want to do, unless you’re going to fail to fail…which would be succeeding…
Where was I going again? Oh, yeah, failure!
Even with the best of intentions, luck, and copious amounts of bubble wrap, you can’t avoid fate for very long. But it doesn’t have to be a death sentence. Most of the time after you screw up, you’ll live. Then, you’ll learn not to do the same thing again, or at least you’ll figure out a different way to do it.
And that’s where the book learning ends and the life learning begins.
Consider this kindergarten with rush hour traffic. And after working in the corporate world for a majority of my life, I can tell you this is exactly what awaits you. May the fortunes be ever in your favor.
Oh, and you got this…I guess.
Tag: graduation
My 2025 Commencement Address
Another spring has arrived, but a request to give a commencement address at a high school, college, tech school, hairdressing college, or even clown college hasn’t. So, once again a graduating class will be deprived of my words of…well, I wouldn’t call them wisdom so much as wise-assery, but the point is the same, as it the annual result. Enjoy!
Greetings, members of the Class of 2025. I know you were expecting someone like Robert Downey Jr., Katy Perry, or the San Diego Chicken, but their asking prices were a bit too steep. After a phone call full of begging and pleading, your high school/college/tech school/hairdressing college/clown college got me under one condition: that I stop begging and pleading.
Your typical commencement address tends to follow a standard formula: tell a few stories, offer some life advice, and conclude with some inspirational words that will make you feel like you can do anything. I know, because I’ve been through a few of these in my life, either sitting where you are now or out in the audience waiting for a friend or loved one to cross the stage and get a diploma or a reasonable facsimile. But if you are familiar with my work (and if you are, I’m so, so sorry), you know I’m not exactly a by-the-book guy. Which, now that I think of it, explains my grades…
What was I saying? Oh, yeah, the commencement thing.
One thing I always try to do in my speeches is give you a realistic view of the world you’re about to enter with all of your youthful enthusiasm, hope, and fearlessness. That way you’ll be prepared when the world grinds that out of you.
Not too inspiring, right? But it’s what will most likely happen unless you have a dream job waiting for you on the outside, and even then you might have to eat crap and learn to love the taste of it. That’s why they call it a dream job: if you get one, you’ll probably wake up and realize it isn’t real.
The daily grind has a tendency to make you shrink your aspirations to fix in a box of someone else’s creation. And these people are going to convince you not to aim high, but aim a little closer to medium. For most people, that’s high enough, but not everyone is like that. There are always outliers who will put their hearts and souls into a career, hoping their efforts will get noticed and rewarded accordingly.
And these people will be some of the first to get burnt out.
That shouldn’t stop you from dreaming big, though. It’s during these tough times that we get to see who we really are and what we truly believe. Not everyone handles pressure in the same way. Some rise to the occasion. Others will buckle under the pressure. And others will find a way to blame someone else for the tough times. The people in this last group are known as politicians.
Anyway, the best way to dream big is to not let your work define your life. Take up hobbies, meet people, catch a movie every once in a while, or just get out of your apartment, house, condo, or whatever you call home to see the world around you. The more your work/life balance leans towards the 9-to-5, the less of life you actually experience. So, the solution is simple: part-time or temp jobs!
Of course if you want silly things like a steady paycheck, health insurance, and, oh yeah, food, that strategy may not pan out so well.
This isn’t to say you should slack off on the clock. When you have a job, whether it be delivering pizzas or writing code for a new AI program, put your best self forward. There’s a reason why people my age are always complaining about the work ethic of younger generations: we’re old. But a good number of us were brought up with a solid work ethic, so we have expectations. Granted, you’re not us, but at least meet us halfway. Show up and show out, as the kids (i.e. you) say. Or not. Either way, if you have a job, do it to the best of your ability. Failing that, try to fake it or get a Gen X mentor. You may not like what we have to say, but we’ll be honest.
And brutally so. Let’s just say Gen X’s filters got shot off in the war. Granted, it was the Cola Wars of the mid 80s, but those wounds still run pretty deep.
Something else I should mention that will help you in the long run is to learn when your emotions are overriding your intelligence. Not every battle has to be fought, no matter how much you feel it should. And I say this as someone who has run into more than a few brick walls because I let my feelings write checks my brain couldn’t cash, and it affected my personal brand.
For those of you not up on corporate speak, a personal brand is how your coworkers and superiors see you. So, if you come off as insufferable, that’s going to stick with you until you either rebuild it through a lot of work, time, and personal reflection or find a new job. Find a way to channel your emotions in a more constructive way while on the clock. When you’re at home and have a couple of adult beverages in you, then you can complain about how screwed up things are.
Or you could exercise or something. Whatever trips your trigger warning.
If you take nothing else from my speech, I hope you take this. You may not have control over everything in your lives, but you control what choices you make. The way you approach whatever obstacles get in your way will have more of an impact on your future than you realize. That requires a little less “live for the moment” and more “live so you can pay your rent so you don’t have to live in a cardboard box or with your parents in 6 months.” Or maybe live with your parents in a cardboard box the way the economy is going.
Regardless, you have a vested interest in your future, so act like it, for the love of Pete! Yes, that means you may have to work at a dead-end job for a while to make money until your ship comes in (Pro Tip: avoid having your ship be the Titanic), but that’s how you earn your break, coffee or big. If nothing else, keeping your nose to the proverbial grindstone shows potential employers and yourself that you can tough it out to make it to the other side. And, as someone who has done that, I can tell you how sweet the fruits of your labor are.
After all, I wouldn’t be here today without me begging and pleading!
Congratulations, Class of 2025!