Well, as has become customary this time of year, I have been once again shut out of giving a commencement address to a college, university, community college, high school, junior high, junior college, barber college, hairdressing academy, or dog obedience school. And this year I thought I had a chance because the guy who played Urkel on “Family Matters” had a scheduling conflict. So, as is customary this time of year, I offer the commencement address I would have given had I gotten chosen.
Good afternoon soon-to-be graduates! It is my honor to stand before you today and regale you with anecdotes that will inspire you, or that you’ll forget 5 minutes after I leave the stage. Either way, you’ll get to deal with me for the next few minutes.
As you are about to embark on the next steps of your lives, it’s important to take stock of what you have done so far. Which…may not be that much. Fortunately for you, it will be a short exercise so you can spend your time on other pursuits.
Like what’s next?
Granted, you may not know what to do next, which is fine. You’re not expected to have your life mapped out just yet. Unless you’re in one of those families where your life is mapped out, that is. In that case, you can just go back to watching TikTok until I’m done.
For the rest of you, this is your time to explore your options. The world is your oyster! Unless you’re allergic to seafood, then the world is some other food that doesn’t cause you anaphylactic shock.
I see this isn’t going well. Let’s try again.
This is the time of your lives when you’re supposed to make mistakes, like piddling on the carpet. Just because you piddle on the carpet doesn’t mean you’re a bad boy or a bad girl. You are good boys and girls. Yes you are! [Author’s Note: This section was originally geared for the dog obedience school, but the piddling might also extend all the way to college, so I’ll leave it in.]
This is the time for you to do some self-discovery. Figure out what you’re all about and then run with it! And when you inevitably do a faceplant that will wind up online, you’ll get to experience the agony of defeat. For some of you, this is an old friend, but for others of you, this might be the first time you’ve experienced this. Either way, it will suck.
But that’s to be expected. Failure is a natural part of life; it’s just how big that failure turns out to be that matters. A minor mishap might teach you a lesson that you’ll carry with you for the rest of your lives. A major mistake might get you fired from a job. A colossal one will get you a career in politics or the media under the right conditions.
And I wish I were kidding about that.
Anyway, you’re going to fail at some point, so it’s best you prepare yourselves because that’s when you’ll find the real you. Not the you you post online. Not the you you project to the world. The authentic you. The you you don’t always show to outsiders.
And with that I’ve used “you” the most times ever in a commencement address.
Unfortunately for you (see I did it again), I’m not quite done yet. Fortunately, I won’t be much longer.
What I’m leading up to here is you can’t be afraid to fail. It’s not something you should want to do, unless you’re going to fail to fail…which would be succeeding…
Where was I going again? Oh, yeah, failure!
Even with the best of intentions, luck, and copious amounts of bubble wrap, you can’t avoid fate for very long. But it doesn’t have to be a death sentence. Most of the time after you screw up, you’ll live. Then, you’ll learn not to do the same thing again, or at least you’ll figure out a different way to do it.
And that’s where the book learning ends and the life learning begins.
Consider this kindergarten with rush hour traffic. And after working in the corporate world for a majority of my life, I can tell you this is exactly what awaits you. May the fortunes be ever in your favor.
Oh, and you got this…I guess.
Failure is always an option – Adam Savage.
Great article.