2020 Commencement Address

Thanks to COVID-19, many graduating high school and college students might not get a commencement ceremony. However, I anticipated this and have this year’s commencement address already planned out!

To the Class of 2020,

Well, this is a little embarrassing.

We all expected there to be a bit more formality and structure in a commencement ceremony, but with things being what they are this year, we had to improvise. Fortunately, your school/college/university/junior college/barber college/clown college, etc., had the foresight to hire me to send you off into the next stages of your lives. That, and I work cheap and begged a lot.

Regardless of how I came to be before you in one fashion or another, my purpose is to inspire you to great heights with profound truths wrapped up in entertaining stories so you can enjoy these last few moments before you’re expected to know what to do with your lives. And once upon a time I would have given you such a speech, but in truth, I don’t know what I can say to inspire you to greatness. Heck, I’m not even sure what greatness is anymore, given there are people out there who get tons of money just by posting stupid stuff on YouTube. Granted, some of it is pretty entertaining, but after a while even the stupid stuff gets…well, stupid.

Yes, I am going somewhere with this, so buckle up.

As with any Internet fad, there are going to be imitators, and that means people looking to be or continue to be relevant will take another step beyond. You may be famous for eating five grilled cheese sandwiches in under a minute, but someone will either try to eat six in the same time frame or add some new twist to the challenge, like, say…adding rat poison to the sandwiches. And there will be people who will imitate this, even though it’s highly dangerous and utterly stupid.

If you doubt me, I have three words for you: Tide Pod Challenge.

The thing about stupidity is it grows exponentially and leaves a lot of pain in its wake, mainly in the form of headaches people like me have to endure. Whether it’s driving the wrong way down a parking lot aisle, paying more attention to a cell phone than to the people walking around us, or electing politicians who believe we need to arrest people exercising their First Amendment rights to protest a Governor’s decision, a lack of thought can create an abundance of problems for people we may not even know.

Remember the kids who defied social distancing requests on Spring Break? They didn’t care about catching COVID-19; they wanted to get a tan, a buzz, and possibly a communicable disease or two aside from COVID-19. Sure, they’re young and they need some time off from their studies to relax. And, of course, their concerns stopped at the end of their…noses. Not only is COVID-19 transmitted through the air (and I’m going to guess a lot of those spring breakers flew to Florida), you can carry it without having any symptoms. And let’s not overlook the people in the wet markets who thought eating a bat sammich was a good idea. Even if they are chicken of the cave. (Yes, that was an “Anchorman 2” reference because I’m hip and stuff.)

See what I mean about stupidity growing exponentially? You have a shortened school year and a lack of a commencement because people are stupid. So, how do we fix it?

Don’t be stupid.

We are drowning in information and yet thirsting for knowledge, or in some cases, sentience. If this trend continues, the meek will inherit the earth by default since the rest of humanity will be extinct either by offing themselves with the latest dumb stunt, being killed by other dumb people doing dumb stuff, or through blunt head trauma from beating our heads against the wall as we ponder the latest dumb stunt and why so many people are copying it. In other words, we’re dangerously close to having the movie “Idiocracy” become a historical documentary.

This is where you come in. You have been raised around technology, including the Internet, for most if not all of your lives. Lord Acton once said, “Knowledge is power,” so I’m asking you to be the knowledge version of the Avengers. I would ask you to be the Justice League, but their movie didn’t do that well at the box office. You were born to be the scribes of the Information Age, to be able to sift through the data and find the truth.

Or you could play Skyrim. You know, whichever.

Seriously, though, my time on this earth is growing short, but yours is just starting, unless you do stupid stuff and get yourself killed. And that’s the key. Stupid, just like knowledge, is a choice. All I ask is you choose wisely. Unfortunately, I can only give you one piece of advice on that front: question everything you know on a regular basis. The truth will always stand up to scrutiny while the stupid will fall away. Even if it’s something you’ve believed all your life, let it go. Fortunately for you, I’ll save you having to hear me sing that song from “Frozen.”

But I will leave you with the responsibility to figure out the fact from the fake, the smart from the stupid, and the butter from the I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter. Trust me, that last one is going to be tricky.

Congratulations Class of 2020!

Covid-19 Disinfectant Cures

President Trump is in the headlines again. Over comments made at his daily briefing on Thursday for the Covid-19 crisis. Those that have Trump Derangement Syndrome are going out of their minds about it. While this is hardly new it does need to be investigated.

In our world today there are no honest news outlets. One has to examine every source as close to the original as possible in order to figure out what has really happened versus the fictional spin put on things about any news agency. This is the case with Thursday’s Presidential news briefing.

Everyone is seeing what the media outlets want you to see. Weeks ago they stopped airing the full content of President Trump’s briefings out of their own Trump Derangement Syndrome. Thus you aren’t getting the full and true story. You are only getting the spin the media wants you to hear and believe.

The false narrative is that President Trump thinks everyone who has Covid-19 should be injected with disinfectant to kill the virus in them. And this is absurd. You would have to be either deranged, naive, or frakking retarded to believe such nonsense.

So we will get the information strait from the most reliable source. The White House transcripts of the briefing. This will give us every word said by the President and other parties involved on Thursday the 23rd of April.

During the briefing Mr Bill Bryan spoke, he is the Acting Under Secretary of the Science and Technology Directorate at the US Department of Homeland Security. His department is conducting research into the Covid-19 virus. And has found that the virus prefers colder temperatures and darker conditions. Thus light, heat, and humidity can cause the virus to die sooner than other conditions.

Under Secretary Bryan also stated that they have conducted experiments with common cleaners to see how the virus can be killed. It turns out that bleach and isopropyl alcohol are the best to clean surfaces to kill the virus.

After the Under Secretary spoke, President Trump again took the podium. He commented on his private conversations with the Under Secretary during their private briefing. The President asked about light being used as a weapon in treatment against Covid-19. He had asked if there was a way to have that inside the body to kill the virus in a patient.

The President continued about how effective the disinfectants where, they can kill the virus in under a minute. Just by coming into contact with it. That is fantastic. But this is when the President remarked his private conversation when he inquired about a way this could be replicated with a human through injection or something. And stated it would interesting to check on that possibility.

What the President said is totally understandable. He knows full well by the language used that you cannot inject bleach or any other disinfecting into a person in its current commercial form. It would be absurd to believe that was what he was saying. It’s certainly not may take on it.

If there was a way to replicate the effects without the dangers. We should look into it. Many other viruses could be killed that way in the human body. Let’s get science moving again in the direction of truth and breaking the barriers of impossibilities.

A little later during the briefing a reporter, who is not named nor is his media outlet stated:

But I — just, can I ask about — the President mentioned the idea of cleaners, like bleach and isopropyl alcohol you mentioned. There’s no scenario that that could be injected into a person, is there? I mean —

Then the Under Secretary said:

No, I’m here to talk about the findings that we had in the study. We won’t do that within that lab and our lab. So —

Which was followed by President Trump who clarified the comments as:

It wouldn’t be through injection. We’re talking about through almost a cleaning, sterilization of an area. Maybe it works, maybe it doesn’t work. But it certainly has a big effect if it’s on a stationary object.

And at this point the line of questioning by the press members present was dropped. They went on to ask questions about other related topics such as the economy, the summer, and the reopening plans of various states.

It is totally clear from the real complete record that President Trump did not say we should inject people with disinfectants. Nor did he say that one should do that to themselves in any way shape or form.

It is only the spin of the Trump Derangement Syndrome that has gripped the media since he was elected president back in 2016. Get your facts straight.

Back but not recovered

Unfortunately our site went down due to a successful hack. The site was defaced and a lot of the older posts these past 5 years or so have been severely damaged. Our most recent backup doesn’t have enough unaltered posts that we could use to restore the site with.

We talked it over with our contributors and decided the best course of action would be simply to start over after all the world does give us plenty to write about on any given day. So here we are back up and online but not recovered.

We will be adding back in the various pages for the US Constitution in the coming days. Some of the page menus will return. Others will not. But for now we are getting back up and will be posting again on a regular basis as we did before.

Thank you for being here for us and we look forward to continuing to serve you with our wit and prose.