In a post-COVID world where the world went nuttier than elephant shit, I thought nothing could shock me. Today, I was shocked by CNN of all things.
You see, Anderson Cooper admitted Michael Cohen, a witness in the ongoing show railroading…I mean trial of former President Donald Trump, may have lied in his testimony. I’ll give you a moment to pick your jaws off the floor.
After years of holding the former President accountable for every statement that could be construed as untrue, it seems the Left seems to have lost its taste for finding the truth. Of course, I’m sure that’s just a complete coincidence, though. I mean, you would have to be complete assholes to demand the truth from only one side of the political aisle!
Oh, wait…
lying
What the Left thinks it means – something the Right does to advance their agenda
What it really means – something both sides do to advance their agendas
To borrow a phrase from some former President whose name escapes me at the moment, “Let me be clear.” Both sides of the aisle lie. In fact, lying is the coin of the realm in Washington. Where the Left and the Right differ, at least to me, is only the Left swings back and forth between demanding the truth and excusing the lies.
And one way the Left loves to lie is through the use of “fact-checkers.” The Washington Post claimed Trump made over 30,000 “false or misleading” claims. Of course, they don’t come out and show their math because, well, it’s fact-checked, so it has to be true, right?
Well, that depends on what the definition of false or misleading claims is. I got that from a different former President whose name escapes me at the moment. Turns out the fact checkers were stretching the truth on what they considered false or misleading. Why, it’s almost like these self-important assholes had a Paul Bunyon-sized axe to grind!
And this can be seen by watching the utter lack of fact-checking done for the current Administration under President Brick Tamland. First off, there’s the President, who recently told 15 lies in a 17 minute interview with CNN. And if you can figure out what Vice President Kamala Harris says, she doesn’t have a notarized tongue either. Just ask Willie Brown.
Then, we get to White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. To put it bluntly, she is as trustworthy as Hunter Biden’s accountability buddy. And when she gets caught in a lie, she doesn’t take it well. In fact, Fox News reporter Peter Doocy has proven to be Jean-Pierre’s version of Jim Acosta. I’m sorry. That is insulting. For that horrible and utterly demeaning comparison, I apologize to you, Mr. Doocy.
Anyway, the Left’s on-again/off-again love of the truth is hypocritical, yet utterly amusing. I mean, how can you legitimately take Leftists seriously when their commitment to the truth is as spotty as dial-up Internet? The problem is there are people out there either willing to swallow the bullshit or not informed enough to see through the lies, which encourages Leftists to continue to lie. And when they can’t lie their way out of a situation, they’ll gaslight you. For those of you unfamiliar with the term, gaslighting is lying, but a lot meaner.
So, this is where we come in. The fact the Left lies with such ease and without consequence makes it a lot harder to reach people, but it’s worth it. Expose the lies and have backup from multiple sources. Know your shit, and be unafraid to express it.
Yes, this is going to get you in trouble with the Left, but let’s be honest. Most Leftists are as dangerous as a Nerf marshmallow. And those who are dangerous tend to be dumber than the plot of a Michael Bay movie, so the likelihood of running into a Leftist badass is less than finding Hunter Biden not doing drugs. Still, you have to weigh your options and pick your battles accordingly. Remember, your goal isn’t to convince a Leftist to change his/her/its mind, but to convince a non-Leftist that you’re not full of shit.
And given how Leftists are trying to push the idea the economy is just fine in spite of having to take out a third mortgage to get a cup of Mostly Okay, But Possibly Inedible Raman, it may not be as hard as you think.
Month: May 2024
Leftist Lexicon Word of the Week
Recently, the Boy Scouts of America announced it would change its name to Scouting America effective February 2025. Although there are reasons and speculation as to why, one of the main reasons came from the President and CEO Roger Krone. In an attempt to get with the times and promote inclusion, Krone said the name change would allow Scouts to “bring their authentic self” to the organization.
Because as we all know, the Boy Scouts have a merit badge for being inauthentic.
Although the idea of increasing membership to the Boy Scouts isn’t a bad idea, the Leftist underpinnings of the concept of an authentic self making their way into the organization is. More after the break.
authentic self
What the Left thinks it means – who you really are outside of the constraints the world puts on you
What it really means – enabling self-delusion
There was a concept in the 70s where people had to “find themselves,” which often meant adults would leave their families to chase their dreams (i.e. act irresponsibly without fear of familial interference). This lead to a lot of broken homes, hard feelings, and an entire generation of kids who had to grow up without one of their parents. (Shout out to my fellow Gen Xers!)
Like bell bottoms, disco, and only 3 channels on TV, finding ourselves fell out of favor. And like two out of the three of these things, finding ourselves came back. Only this time, finding ourselves took on a whole new dimension. No longer were we restricted to what the kids like to call reality. We could find ourselves in whatever the fuck we wanted! And if we tried to point out you can’t really be a character from your favorite cartoon because it’s a fucking cartoon, well we’re just preventing you from being your authentic self.
And now you know why I’m not a fan of recycling, especially recycling really bad ideas.
At the heart of the concept of an authentic self is a lie people tell themselves. There are some things we can’t change through science, ideology, or self-delusion. For example, if you’re a 6’6″ 390 pound lineman from the Chicago Bears, you’re bound to know what it’s like not to reach the Super Bowl. But along with that, you are a tall, heavy man. You cannot will your way into becoming a 6 inch fairy named SparklyAss. The best you can do is pretend.
And that’s the operative word, Mr. Spock: pretend. As in not real. As in make believe. As in the approval numbers for President Brick Tamland.
So many of the “authentic self” crowd have bought into the lie for any number of reasons. One of the most prevalent ones I think is the need for attention. Thanks to the great enabler that is social media, narcissism is becoming a major issue in our society. And what better way to make yourself the center of attention than to insist the world cater to your whims? If you don’t like the way your life is, create a better one and make the world adopt it, even as they adopt their own. Before you know it, we had to come up with new pronouns, more genders than Baskin Robbins has flavors, and an increasing level of self-importance and entitlement.
And you don’t even have to be someone who promotes the concept of an authentic self. Just go to YouTube and look up arrest videos with entitled people. But that’s a flaming dumpster fire for another time.
The point is it’s impossible to have an authentic self if you have to lie to make it authentic. But societal pressures make that kind of lying acceptable. After all, if you’re not hurting anyone, it should be okay, right?
Wellllll…not so much.
The problem with narcissism is it’s never sated. The minute your star doesn’t shine as brightly as someone else’s, your world goes into freefall. And I’m not talking major incidents like a loved one dying, an accident with injuries, or a Madonna concert. I’m talking shit as minor as…getting your order wrong at Starbucks.
Apparently, a lot of people’s authentic selves are whiny bitches.
More to the point, though, is self-delusion and narcissism aren’t healthy traits. Granted, today’s version of health includes people so fat their shadows have triple chins, so healthy is a relative term. However, there are psychological aspects to both that can be long term and hard to overcome. The problem is people don’t want to overcome it. Ego is like crack, except it doesn’t show up on a drug screen. And thank God for that or I would be…in no trouble whatsoever. In fact, let’s never speak of the McDonalds interview where I asked the hiring manager when I could start slinging kangaroo burgers.
Meanwhile back at the point I was making, ego is a powerful drug that is just as habit-forming as crack. Although you can have a little ego without going all Charlie Sheen imitating Keith Richards, it’s important to keep a level head on your shoulders. A little ego boost can make your head swell pretty quickly. Then, before you know it, you’ll be looking for any excuse to satisfy your jones for attention.
And then you’ll look more and more like an asshole.
Some of the “authentic selves” advocates have reached peak assholery, but some just want to add a little spice to their lives. If you fall into the latter category, I have a question and I don’t want you to take this the wrong way. Have you considered getting a hobby? You know, something that will get you outside the house and allows you to meet actual people? Sure, you run the risk of having your personal fantasy disrupted by reality, but it’s worth it in the long run. Connecting with people, learning more about them and they about you, sharing genuine human contact, that shit’s good for you! And you can find the real you, not the “authentic self” you wish you could be.
The problem with that, to Leftists, is it empowers people to accept reality. A lot of Leftist rhetoric involves stretching the truth like Reed Richards in yoga pants, so anything that allows people to opt out of their reality is bad for them. So, they agree with everything and anything that will get suckers…I mean voters to agree with them.
Including the lineman who wants to be called SparklyAss.
And that’s all the “authentic self” crowd needs to keep their delusions alive. These people don’t need validation; they need emotional fulfillment in the real world. They need someone to say “I like you for you, not for who you wish to be.” Or at the very least they need someone to say “As great as your fantasy world is, the real world has much better graphics.”
Granted, some people will be harder to reach with this message than others. Just work on the ones you can and let the more extreme cases go, at least until they do something to harm themselves and others. Then, no amount of “authentic self” talk will save them from an authentic ass-whuppin.
Although I’ve never been a member of the Boy Scouts, I grew up respecting their basic tenets as a foundation for a good productive life. I want every child to experience scouting in one form or another, but doing it by violating the Boy Scouts’ basic principles isn’t the way to do it. That’s selling out in the hopes it attracts more potential Scouts. And it’s not going to work because a) it will turn off people who would have sent their boys to the Boy Scouts before the more inclusive version took over, and b) it will turn off secular parents who might be attracted to the inclusion, but turned off by the religious overtones.
Quite the knot you’ve tied there, Boy Scouts. Is there a merit badge for fucking shit up so badly it ruins your brand in perpetuity? If not, you might want to make one. Just put a picture of Dylan Mulvaney holding a Bud Light on it and, boom, you’re done!
My 2024 Commencement Address
After years of trying and failing to get selected as a commencement speaker at an institute of learning, I finally got a response. Granted, it was a restraining order, but I count that as a victory.
Aside from that legal paperwork, I am still waiting for that call, email, text, note tied to a rock thrown through a window, etc., so I can wow them with my rhetorical prowess. Or just get a nice check for talking for a few minutes.
Hello, soon-to-be-graduates of [insert name of educational institution]! As you prepare for the next stage of your lives, I’ve been asked to give you some words of inspiration to send you off in style, ready to take on the world. But instead, I’m going to level with you.
As the great philosophers Three 6 Mafia once said, “it’s hard out there for a pimp.” And when you consider pimping is selling sex, you know if it’s hard for them, it’s bad. I mean, really bad. And you know who’s to blame?
Taylor Swift.
I mean, she’s being blamed for everything else, so why not throw her under the bus for this?
Seriously, the world you’re about to enter is vastly different than what you may believe it to be. Up until now, you’ve been on Easy Mode. Sure, you may have had some hiccups along the way, but nothing you (or your parents) couldn’t overcome. Once you graduate, the difficulty level goes up.
Now, you’ll be expected to fend for yourselves, whether it be in college, the military, the trades, or the corporate world. While it could be done in previous years, it’s not quite as easy as it once was. Prices have gone up, wages have been stagnant, and any starting position won’t be as glamorous or as fulfilling as you’d like.
As the great philosopher Norm Peterson once said, “It’s a dog-eat-dog world and I’m wearing Milk Bone underwear.” That’s what the outside world is like, kids. Constantly having to make decisions that will have short and long-term implications. Pay for a night out, or pay for a week’s groceries? Hang out with friends at a bar, or hang out with friends at a cramped apartment? Take in a movie, or take in the sights? A lot of adult decisions crammed into a brain that is still developing.
So, no pressure.
And that’s on top of the other stuff that’s going through your minds. Things like politics, climate change, the war in Gaza, the economy, growing tensions here and abroad, I could go on and on, but I won’t because I don’t want the school to void the check before I can cash it. So, let me throw in a bit of hope.
All the big stuff you think you have to deal with? All of it is beyond your control.
Now, you can look at that revelation in one of two ways. You can either be monumentally depressed and close yourselves off from the world, or you can be glad the weight of the world is off your shoulders. As you take the next steps in your lives, you have to decide which perspective you want to have and plan accordingly. One path will lead you into dark, angry places where you have no joy. The other path will open up new avenues to find your joy.
And the best part about it? You have time to figure it out. You’re young and, hopefully, have a long life ahead of you. Not everything is going to make sense yet. It took me two years of working at a dead-end telemarketing job to realize how much the government takes from your paycheck and how little you get in return. Sure, you can get active in politics and vote like an adult, or at the very least a slightly more mature child, but as the great philosopher Tripper from the movie “Meatballs” once said, “It just doesn’t matter!”
Kinda selling the joyless life, aren’t I?
Maybe, but it’s with a twist. One of the hardest lessons I learned in my young adult life was to pick my battles. Figure out what you can control and what you can’t. Unless you’re going to volunteer for the war in Ukraine and move to the front lines, you aren’t going to move the needle on ending it. But, if you focus on putting away a little money here and there and live frugally until you get on your feet, you still won’t have an impact on the war effort, but you might set yourself up for a better future.
That’s what I mean by picking your battles. Knowing when your efforts are going to make a difference in your life. If you need emotional fulfillment, try volunteering. Take up a hobby or two. Spend time reflecting on what you want to do, how you want to do it, and what you believe. Tomorrow’s bumper crop starts with today’s planting. Once the seeds are planted, it’s up to you to figure out how to make them grow.
And failing that you could always get into politics, where some of the biggest dunces on God’s green earth get paid handsome sums of money for being mediocre at best. You don’t even need experience being a dunce, either! They will train you on the job! Granted, you might have to leave your integrity and anything resembling a soul at the door, but if you’re willing to aim for the middle, I’m there for you!
To everyone else, all I can ask is to aim higher than the middle. Sure, you will miss a lot of the time, but that’s how we learn. Nothing in life is supposed to be easy. If it were, everyone would have astronomical starting salaries, a company car, an expense account, and opportunities for advancement just waiting for you. But not everybody can have that. I mean, what would the children of rich parents do in that case?
What I’m trying to say is don’t sell yourselves short. You are going to screw up because you’re human, and young humans at that. As the great philosopher Pete Townsend once said, “Don’t try to run before you’ve figured how to crawl.” Take your time, look around, and enjoy those little moments we all have. Take in a sunset or a sunrise. Smell the flowers. Reflect on the simple beauty that’s all around us if we just open our eyes wide enough. And most of all, stop looking at your phones and start looking up. Not only will you gain a better perspective on the world, but you’ll be less likely to run into me at the grocery store.
So, let me close with a saying that’s held me in good stead all of my years. As my grandpa used to say, “Hey you kids! Stay off my lawn!”
Congratulations, Class of 2024!
Leftist Lexicon Word of the Week
With springtime finally here (check local listings for the springtime in your area), college campuses (or would that be campusi?) are abuzz with activity. Sure, some are preparing for finals, dissertations, and summer internships, but many are taking the nice weather to…protest a war half a world away.
Yes, from sea to shining sea, student activists are rising up to show support to Palestine in its war against those evil mean nasty no-good Israelis. And Leftists are eating it up, or at least they’re trying to have it catered because “humanitarian aid” or some such bullshit. The Leftists of yesterday are enjoying the Leftists of today as the latter group does its best to LARP as the former.
But one of these things is not like the other. And none of these things belong on a college campus. Let’s delve into the wonderful world of protests.
protests
What the Left thinks it means – demonstrations designed to raise awareness and initiate desired social change
What it really means – college students being assholes
The right to protest is solidified in the First Amendment in a few different ways, namely the right to free speech, the right to peaceably assemble, and the right to redress grievances. All of these aren’t bad in and of themselves. After all, if I didn’t have a First Amendment right, I wouldn’t be able to provide you with at least semi-intelligent blog posts on a regular basis.
You can stop typing your letters to have the First Amendment repealed, thank you very much.
Anyway, protests are a good test of how strong our commitment to the First Amendment is. At their core, they’re designed to challenge our way of thinking and consider an alternative. At least, that was before it became fashionable to start taking over campus buildings in the name of whatever cause is hip at the time. During the 60s and early 70s, it was America’s involvement in Vietnam. During my college years, it was America’s involvement in Iraq during Operation Desert Shield/Operation Desert Storm. At the turn of the 21st Century, it was America’s involvement in Iraq and other Middle Eastern countries following 9/11. And in each one of these, there is an argument to be made about the protesters being on the right side of the issue. Granted, some arguments are dumber than others, but you get the idea.
The current crop of protesters, though…I’m just not feeling it. The best way I can describe it is college students are upset Israel is taking military action against people who killed a bunch of people and kidnapped others. Oh, and America and different colleges and universities across the country support Israel and/or take money from them. Obviously, this must be addressed! After all, we don’t want Israel to think they can actually defend themselves against people who want Jews exterminated, right?
This notion stems from the Left’s love of the underdogs, or at least politically expedient underdogs. You don’t see Leftists taking over campus buildings to protest the lack of white members of the Congressional Black Caucus, but you will see them expressing unwavering support for Palestinians, Ukrainians, and anyone else who is trying to fight the good fight against a bigger, more powerful enemy.
Oh, and just so happens to fit into a neat Leftist narrative. Palestinians are dying by the gajillions, guys! And those poor Ukrainians are having to fight a war with only toothpicks, some half-used bottles of Elmer’s Glue, and the occasional rubber band! It’s only moral to show their support for these brave fighters who only want a better life for themselves.
And, you know, kill enough of the enemy so they can take stuff.
So, to show their solidarity with the people actually doing the fighting, college students are…staying as far away from the front lines as possible and creating their own mini versions of the CHAZ/CHOP in Portland. But instead of being able to sustain themselves, these brave moral souls are making demands for everything from food to banana-free zones to building materials.
That’s right, kids. They’re holding private property hostage.
And to no one’s surprise, college and university administrators let it go until there’s enough pressure on them to do something. And do something they did! Some cancelled the rest of the semester. Some decided to go virtual for the rest of the semester. And a few grew some balls and brought in law enforcement to take down the encampments or suspended students involved in the protests.
It’s clear to me who the masterminds behind the current movement are: fucking idiots.
Seriously, it’s been bandied about that your fiend…I mean friend and mine, Uncle George Soros, is behind the current crop of campus uprisings. Of course, fact checkers have already tried to debunk it, so that tells me he’s definitely involved at some level. Maybe not directly, but his talon-like fingers are in there somehow because, well, he’s George Fucking Soros!
To be fair to the fact checkers, there are layers upon layers upon layers to the way Uncle George funds Leftist sinkholes…I mean projects. But in most cases, the money gets wasted because he’s relying on people who are fucking idiots to do his bidding.
Like…the student protesters! See! It all connects!
While the previously aforementioned protests tended to be more on the peaceful (and less destructive) side, the current group of protesters have been taught in the ways of BLM and Antifa, which sets up an interesting parallel with a couple of figures from the 60s protests, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and Malcolm X. At the start of the civil rights movement of the time, the two figures took diametrically opposite stances on how to advance the cause. King sought peaceful non-compliance, while Malcolm X sought more direct action, up to and including violence. Today’s protesters seem much more aligned with the Malcolm X approach of “by any means necessary” and are more than willing to shed blood to bring about change.
Not their blood, mind you. That would be insane! Now, someone else’s blood, that’s perfectly fine to fuck with.
The problem with this approach, however, comes in the form of criminal activities. At the very least, any protester who takes over a campus building and stays there beyond a reasonable request to vacate is guilty of trespassing. Not a serious crime, but a crime nonetheless. Then, there’s destruction of public property, graffiti, discrimination against pro-Israeli students through the use of wristbands, terroristic threats, and many other possible crimes that, if prosecuted, would land more than a few of the protesters in the Big House for a long time.
Therein lies the question: will they be prosecuted? Given how Leftists enjoy letting criminals run free, there’s a good chance most of them will get off with a slap on the wrist and a mark on their permanent record, which by now has been converted to a downloadable file on iTunes. And while a whiff of a criminal record might be enough to make potential employers run away from these idiots, there are some who are willing to hire them.
Yeah. Ask Bud Light and Planet Fitness how capitulating to the Left worked for them. Spoiler Alert: it tanked their companies so much Michael Dukakis was seen riding in them.
It’s the disregard for the law that separates the previous protests from the current crop. Sure, you had some criminal activity with some of the earlier protests I mentioned, but not nearly to the levels we’re currently seeing. And a lot less whining. It’s hard to be seen as a true revolutionary when you’re begging the educational entity you’re protesting for food so you can continue to protest the same educational entity.
Kinda makes you reconsider forgiving college debt, doesn’t it?
Regardless of where you stand on the war in Gaza, the fact remains the protesters are their own worst enemies, but they’re also doubling as President Brick Tamland’s worst enemies if MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough is any indication. More importantly, though, these protests show how far the Left has fallen as an engine for change. For all the positive press they’re getting from Leftists in the media, the needle isn’t moving in Palestine’s favor. If anything, they’re turning off more people than they’re gaining because they’re going about it the wrong way and looking like assholes in the process. Try getting people who are barely making ends meet to get on your side by blocking roadways with stupid marches which prevent them from going to or coming from work.
And even with the backdrop of academia, it’s hard for me to not laugh at the sheer absurdity of the protests themselves. I mean, will a Palestinian child be saved if Hippie McBonghit holes up in one of the administration buildings? Nope! Will there be a ceasefire if more students threaten Jewish students to the point they can’t even attend class without being accosted? No. Will the Palestinians be able to get a foothold in Gaza if the University of Southern Dumbfuckistan decides to divest itself from any Israeli sources of income? Oooh, sor-ray.
No matter what they do, the protesters are fighting a battle so delusional and futile Don Quixote is telling them to knock it off. But those of us outside the Leftist bubble have time on our side. The recent crop of protesters from Occupy Wall Street to the current dipshits aren’t ready for shit to go sideways. Once the current semester ends and there are fewer people to annoy, what will they do? They’re attention whores, and they will be deprived of the one thing they need more than anything: people paying attention to them. If these protests go further into summer (which I honestly doubt), they will have to deal with summer weather conditions, including heat, humidity, thunderstorms, tornadoes, and so on. Hell, a lot of the BLM protests broke up when the temperature dropped. And these marshmallow warriors don’t appear to be any different.
But I, for one, hope they prove me wrong. After all, it’s hard to find good comedy these days.