This week, I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced. Turns out it was just the Taco Bell I had for lunch, but there was still a great disturbance this past week.
“The Late Show With Stephen Colbert” will be ending its run at the end of Colbert’s contract in May 2026, and there will be no more “Late Show.”
If you listened to the Left (and, really, I’d rather have my toenails pulled out by Justin Bieber than do that), you would think democracy itself was being overturned by the Evil Orange Man. And Colbert, to his credit, isn’t telling people otherwise. With the man who would be Late Knight King being on everyone’s lips, what better subject for this week’s Lexicon?
Stephen Colbert
What the Left thinks it means – a comedian and proud champion of the First Amendment being unfairly sacrificed to appease Donald Trump
What it really means – a semi-funny man who rode an anti-Trump shtick into the ground
I first ran across Stephen Colbert during his time on “The Daily Show,” back when it (and he) were funny instead of more depressing than episodes of the current “Saturday Night Live.” But it was when he did “The Colbert Report” that he really shined, at least to me. His dead-on and deadpan imitation of a stereotypical right wing talk show host modeled at least in part on Bill “Papa Bear” O’Reilly entertained a wide audience. Leftists loved it because it poked fun at the Right, and Rightists loved it because they have an actual sense of humor. Everybody was happy.
Then came President Donald Trump.
With the rise of Orange Julius Caesar. the comedy-pretending-to-be-real-journalist crowd had a problem. Their left-leaning audience demanded the hosts skewer Trump at every turn, but the rest of their audience expected to be entertained. So, they decided to lean hard Left and alienate a huge chunk of the audience in the process.
And Leftist say they’re smart?
I had high hopes for “The Late Show With Stephen Colbert” when it first aired. My wife and I stayed up to watch his monologue to gauge our interest in the show. Ten minutes in, we looked at each other and said, “Nope.” And we’ve never watched another show. Why? Because it wasn’t fucking funny. It was the entertainment version of whisky dick: it was fun getting to the moment, but it was a no-go when it really mattered.
But the Leftist portion of the audience ate it up. To them, Colbert was the funniest man on late night television, and they barked like trained seals at every anti-Trump barb. There’s only one problem with that: there are only so many times you can tell a joke before it gets tired.
I call it the “Urkel Principle.” When Steve Urkel first appeared on “Family Matters,” it was a smash hit. Then, Urkel was everywhere. Eventually, it stopped being entertaining and became irritating. Before you could say “Did I do that?” people began wondering what they saw in Urkel.
Stephen, buddy…you reached that point years ago.
And I need to point out you were funnier when you pretended to be other people. The faux-conservative talking head, Phil Ken Sebben of “Harvey Birdman, Attorney At Law,” even your appearances on the first American iteration of “Whose Line Is It Anyway?” were leagues funnier than the drizzling shits you were putting out nightly for years. And don’t get me started on the Chernobyl-level radioactive cringefest that is “The Vax-Scene.” If you haven’t seen it, thank God. I have and now I’m in intense therapy, and I’m a trained professional.
A professional what, I’m trying to figure out, but still…
But this latest incarnation of “Stephen Colbert, First Amendment Champion” is a lie built on a lot of omission. First off, late night television is all but dead, save for “Gutfeld!” on Fox News, and that’s a cable show on a half hour before the usual late night fare, kids. Ouch! It’s believed “The Late Show With Stephen Colbert” lost CBS at least $40 million a year. Now, I’m no TV exec, but if a high-rated show drops that kind of dough and strippers and blow aren’t involved, it’s not a good thing.
Then, there’s the $16 million settlement between CBS (the parent company of “The Late Show With Stephen Colbert”) and Donald Trump (the man who is the Leftists’ daddy). This stemmed from “60 Minutes” editing an interview with Queen Kamala the Appointed to make her sound less drunk…err smarter. Trump sued CBS over it, and they decided to settle out of court.
Of course, this pissed off Colbert because…fuck Trump? Which lead him to go off on Paramount and CBS…his employers.
I think most of you see where this is going, but for Colbert and his fans, this made him a liability. And some companies out there still don’t tolerate insubordination, which this was. You could have left well enough alone and not criticized the settlement, but nooooooo. You had to use your big brain to open your big mouth and now you find yourself big fired.
Fucking brilliant.
But instead of admitting his mistake, Colbert and his fans went right to the Blame Trump card. Now, the cancellation of “The Late Show” is a First Amendment crisis and has a chilling and dark tone to it. Many have speculated Trump had Colbert fired in order for the FCC to approve Skydance buying Paramount. On the surface, this makes sense, but in the larger context of Colbert openly criticizing his employers on live TV, it doesn’t.
Not that it’s stopped the Left from lamenting the cancellation. Literally tens and tens of people protested outside the Ed Sullivan Theater to try to save “The Late Show.” And then there’s the thousands of signatures on a petition. Thousands, I tell you!
And not a one of them gets this isn’t a free speech issue.
The First Amendment (the one that allows me to mock Leftists without having the government shut me down) applies to government actions, not the actions of a network who sees a late night host as a financial and internal liability. Paramount may have thought firing Colbert would curry favor with the Trump Administration, but we can’t assume the latter forced the former to fire Colbert. After all, when you make an assumption, you make an ass out of u and mption.
Furthermore, New York State is an at-will employment state, which means any private sector employee can be fired for any reason. Doesn’t even have to be a good or valid reason. You can get shit-canned for whatever reason your employer deems good and/or valid.
You know, like…oh, I don’t know…calling out your parent company on live TV.
As Leftists are so quick to point out when it comes to conservative speech, freedom of speech does not mean freedom from consequence as a result of that speech. What Colbert did was bad speech (not to mention the worst fucking idea since hiring him to host “The Late Show”), and his firing is a consequence of that speech. And in the marketplace of ideas, alleged jokes where the punchline is always “Trump sucks” get pretty stale.
But if I had to point to one thing that could be the silver bullet in this case, it’s ego. For a long time, late night hosts like Colbert were untouchable. The more they poked Trump, the more people loved them. And under the tenure of President Brick Tamland, they didn’t have to fear retribution. That kind of seeming invulnerability makes you feel untouchable.
But that’s when you’re the most vulnerable.
Stephen Colbert got to ride the “Trump Sucks” gravy train for years and was paid handsomely for it, but the ride’s over. When your contract ends, you will have to find something to do with your time, and I think your time as First Amendment martyr will be more of a temp job. However, in the interest of being gracious in times of distress, I have the perfect job for you.
Go back to pretending to be other people! That’s when you’re funniest!
Tag: humor
Extremist Makeover: WHCD Edition
The White House Correspondent’s Dinner was this past weekend (check local listings for the weekend in your area), and from what I’ve heard, it was boring and lame. You know, like the current “Saturday Night Live”? Considering this year’s “Nerd Prom” was hosted by current SNL cast member Colin Jost, it’s not surprising.
Although I’ve never been invited to the WHCD (my invites keep getting lost in the mail, I suspect), I want to help make them better. The most obvious, yet less funny solution is to nuke the site from orbit because it’s the only way to be sure. (20 points if you get that reference.) However, I’m not just looking for the easy way out. I want to give it an honest go. But just know I haven’t taken the nuclear option of the table.
The problem with the current WHCD is it’s toothless when Democrats are in power and ruthless when Republicans are in power. There are a lot of reasons for this, not the least of which being many modern comedians are Left-leaning, while many actual comedians are neutral or slightly Right-leaning. This is because actual comedians don’t feel the need to be a cheerleader for one side or the other since…now take notes, kids…it eliminates a good chunk of the audience and the material. No matter how dim-witted and oafish one side’s political leaders are, it’s almost a guarantee you will find similar dim-witted and oafish types on the other.
Why, it’s almost as if politicians aren’t the best and brightest people in our midst!
Anyway, the best way to add some spice to the WHCD is to find hosts who can skillfully filet both sides with a rapier wit. That excludes most current comedians and all current SNL members, but it opens up the door for actual entertainment for a change. Imagine if Donald Trump gets reelected (a realistic possibility given the current economy is a tire fire without the smell) and someone like Frank Caliendo hosts the WHCD with the best Trump impression ever. (Sorry, Alec Baldwin, but your Trump sucks more than Stormy Daniels working a champagne room for extra money.)
Or, on the other side, let’s say Kamala Harris wins in 2028 (regrettably, just as realistic a possibility given the current Left is obsessed with race and gender more than, you know, actual competency). Someone like Dennis Miller would be the perfect host in that situation, although someone might have to explain his jokes to the current Vice President. Maybe she would need a Venn Diagram.
Typically, I’m not the type to lay down hard and fast rules, but I do think there should be some quality control standards in place to choose future WHCD hosts. Here’s what the boys and girls in the Research Department came up with.
– If your sense of humor can be described as intelligent knock-knock jokes, you’re out.
– If your comedy hero is Hannah Gadsby, hard pass.
– If you have more cats than jokes, noooooope.
– If you’re more worried about safe spaces than punchlines, hit the bricks!
– If all your WHCD jokes sound like they’re from an open mic night at the Chuckle Hut, thank you, but we are going in a different direction.
– If you don’t mind whose oxen you gore (or whose gore you oxen), we might just have a place for you.
Personally, I would like to see the WHCD be more like a Dean Martin Comedy Roast, but with more alcohol. Back then, roasters could be much more relaxed and really lay into each other with good humor. And, most importantly, no hurt fee-fees. You have to be able to take a joke as well as you can tell one.
And that includes the politicians and the reporters. One of my biggest gripes with the WHCD is how seriously everyone takes themselves. Look, you’re a couple of steps below used car salesmen, the IRS, and a proctologist with big, cold fingers. Your self-importance isn’t earned and is actually worthy of more mockery than praise. I mean, you guys have Brian Stelter in your ranks. And, no, that’s not a good thing. Heck, you could do a set on MSNBC and not run out of jokes.
But enough about the hosts.
There are some of you out there who might think the White House Correspondent’s Dinner is beyond repair, and you’re not wrong. But, I think if it could be tweaked here and there, it might be salvageable.
If not, there’s always the nuke.
Fear of Germs
I was trying to write this article about how our society has become sterlized with a paranoid level of fear when it comes to germs over past several decades. But instead of writing it myself I’m just going to give credit to guest author and let him tell the story himself.
So here is the transcript of the late George Carlin from his You Are All Diseased, the 16th album and 11th HBO live broadcast stand-up special, recorded on February 6, 1999 at the Beacon Theater in New York City. Thank you Mr Carlin.
Please note that this transcript contains adult language. You are warned.
What we have now is a completely neurotic population obsessed with security and safety and crime and drugs and cleanliness and hygiene and germs… there’s another thing… germs. Where did this sudden fear of germs come from in this country? Have you noticed this?
The media, constantly running stories about all the latest infections – salmonella, e-coli, hanta virus, bird flu – and Americans, they panic easily so now everybody’s running around, scrubbing this and spraying that and overcooking their food and repeatedly washing their hands, trying to avoid all contact with germs. It’s ridiculous and it goes to ridiculous lengths.
In prisons, before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol! It’s true! Yeah! Well, they don’t want you to get an infection! And you could see their point; wouldn’t want some guy to go to hell and be sick! It would take a lot of the sportsmanship out of the whole execution.
Fear of germs… why these fucking pussies! You can’t even get a decent hamburger anymore! They cook the shit out of everything now cause everybody’s afraid of food poisoning! Hey, where’s your sense of adventure? Take a fucking chance will you? You know how many people die in this country from food poisoning every year? 9000… that’s all; it’s a minor risk! Take a fucking chance… bunch of goddamn pussies!
Besides, what do you think you have an immune system for? It’s for killing germs! But it needs practice… it needs germs to practice on. So listen! If you kill all the germs around you, and live a completely sterile life, then when germs do come along, you’re not gonna be prepared. And never mind ordinary germs, what are you gonna do when some super virus comes along that turns your vital organs into liquid shit? I’ll tell you what you’re gonna do… you’re gonna get sick, you’re gonna die, and you’re gonna deserve it cause you’re fucking weak and you got a fucking weak immune system!
Let me tell you a true story about immunization okay? When I was a little boy in New York City in the 1940s, we swam in the Hudson River and it was filled with raw sewage okay? We swam in raw sewage! You know… to cool off! And at that time, the big fear was polio; thousands of kids died from polio every year but you know something? In my neighborhood, no one ever got polio! No one! Ever! You know why? Cause we swam in raw sewage! It strengthened our immune systems! The polio never had a prayer; we were tempered in raw shit!
So personally, I never take any special precautions against germs. I don’t shy away from people that sneeze and cough, I don’t wipe off the telephone, I don’t cover the toilet seat, and if I drop food on the floor, I pick it up and eat it! Yes I do. Even if I’m at a sidewalk café! In Calcutta! The poor section! On New Year’s morning during a soccer riot! And you know something? In spite of all that so-called risky behavior, I never get infections, I don’t get them, I don’t get colds, I don’t get flu, I don’t get headaches, I don’t get upset stomach, you know why? Cause I got a good strong immune system and it gets a lot of practice.
My immune system is equipped with the biological equivalent of fully automatic military assault rifles with night vision and laser scopes, and we have recently acquired phosphorous grenades, cluster bombs, and anti-personnel fragmentation mines. So when my white blood cells are on patrol recon ordering my blood stream seeking out strangers and other undesirables, if they see any, ANY suspicious looking germs of any kind, they don’t fuck around! They whip out their weapons; they wax the motherfucker and deposit the unlucky fellow directly into my colon! Into my colon! There’s no nonsense, there’s no Miranda warning, there’s none of that “three strikes and you’re out” shit, first defense, BAM… into the colon you go!
And speaking of my colon, I want you to know I don’t automatically wash my hands every time I go to the bathroom okay? Can you deal with that? Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. You know when I wash my hands? When I shit on them! That’s the only time. And you know how often that happens? Tops, TOPS, 2-3 times a week tops! Maybe a little more frequently over the holidays, you know what I mean?
And I’ll tell you something else my well-scrubbed friends… you don’t need to always need to shower every day, did you know that? It’s overkill, unless you work out or work outdoors, or for some reason come in intimate contact with huge amounts of filth and garbage every day, you don’t always need to shower. All you really need to do is to wash the four key areas; armpits, asshole, crotch, and teeth. Got that? Armpits, asshole, crotch, and teeth. In fact, you can save yourself a whole lot of time if you simply use the same brush on all four areas!