Before I delve into this week’s Leftist batshittery, I do want to apologize for going into another immigration piece. I didn’t plan for it, but it just so happened birthright citizenship exploded last week, so I felt it needed some attention. Going forward I will do my best to vary the topics and give my slightly undercooked takes and marginal humor a chance to bore you with more variety.
So until then, let’s dive right in!
Immigration has provided America with a rich tapestry of cultures and traditions because we have opened our arms to so many people throughout the years. Even with this, many immigrants (and recent visitors, for that matter) have grown to love our little country and want to be more like us. As a result, these people assimilate to our culture.
Which Leftists don’t like, yet claim every immigrant assimilates to our country and culture. So, I figured we’re due for a little lesson in assimilation.
assimilation
What the Left thinks it means – what every immigrant does
What it really means – what some immigrants do, but not enough
At the turn of the 20th Century, we had an influx of immigrants looking to start a new life in America. This started a concept called the American melting pot where these multiple cultures came together to make our country stronger.
Well, except for the Irish. They had a slightly less cordial greeting in some sections.
For the most part, America remained a melting pot for generations, with each new one assimilating to our culture while Americans adopted some of the cultural aspects of the old world, as it were. It didn’t mean these new Americans abandoned their old ways; they integrated those ways into the American experience.
Then, somewhere in the late 20th Century, some people got it in their heads that being American wasn’t all that great and that the best way to become an American was to force the people here to adopt your ways. I think it might have been Jerry Lewis. Or Menudo.
Regardless of who started the idea that assimilation wasn’t necessary to be an American, it started the expectation that America would bend over backwards to welcome them. And by expectation, I mean demand. Before you could say “Habla Ingles” we started seeing government documents written in multiple languages, having to press 2 to continue in English, and other signs that the people coming into the country had no interest in assimilating to our country. That’s not just a dick move, but as we’ve seen in the past year or so, it’s becoming deadly.
On the other hand, Americans are expected to assimilate to the norms of foreign countries even when on vacation. And if we don’t, we’re called “ugly Americans.” Speaking as an ugly American, I say I was born looking this way, so back off man!
But more to the point, these foreign countries have a point. Even if it’s for a short period, we should try to blend in as much as we can.
Let’s say I’m moving to France for my retirement. (To the French people reading this, I’m not actually coming, so you don’t have to pull out your surrender flags.) Before I even filled out my change of address card, the very least I would do is learn to speak French. After all, it’s hard to pantomime you have to take a shit without people looking at you funny.
Not that I know anything about that, mind you…
Along with picking up the native language, I would pick up as much of the French and local culture as I could to make sure I could function. Sure, I might still get called an ugly American, but at least I made the effort.
Is that so much to ask of people coming to America?
Apparently it is because to many (especially on the Left) adapting your original culture in favor of the American culture is betrayal. And the Left is more than willing to enable you to defy norms (and not just the guy from “Cheers” or the late Mr. Macdonald). After all, your culture is bound to be better than ours right?
Not so much.
For all of its faults, America is the place to be. I don’t see too many people trying to escape America to head to Cuba, CODEPINK notwithstanding. And let’s face it, those who would are dumbasses, so we would actually gain by losing. The only downside is Cuba may haul us before The Hague for war crimes by sending too many dumbass Leftists (but I repeat myself) to their country.
If we want more immigrants to want to assimilate, we have to lean into the fact America is pretty awesome. So, maybe we make some changes to the current immigration policy, which makes less sense than a Kamala Harris speech.
I’m not big on loyalty oaths, but I am big on Ameri-countability Buddies! That’s right, kids, every immigrant gets an America to keep tabs on them to acclimate our new proto-Americans to what we have to offer. This will be a 12 month commitment, but it’s essential to help them go from new kid in town to pure 100% USDA grade A Murkan.
The Ameri-countability Buddy will work with the immigrants to help them get on their feet with mastering the language, or at least getting them to the point they can hold a longer conversation than “I’ll take a #5 Burger Meal with a Coke.” Within that 12 months, the Ameri-countability Buddy will help the new immigrants find gainful employment, a home of their own, how to find and utilize civic and mercantile entities, and give them a sense of what is means to be American.
But it’s not all work! Once a month, the immigrant and the Ameri-countability Buddy get to go to a quintessentially American experience. Like monster truck rallies. Of course, we’ll kick in a few bucks to help things along because Murka. There will be opportunities for cross-cultural exchanges because assimilation requires a willingness on both sides of the ledger to share joy, company, and food.
So how does one become an Ameri-countabilty Buddy? It’s simple. You have to meet a few conditions.
1. You must love America.
2. You can’t be a Leftist. (Although I’m pretty sure number 1 would weed out most of them.)
3. You must be willing to open your home to an immigrant.
As far as the immigrants are concerned, we have a few conditions as well.
1. You must want to be an American.
2. No criminal behavior or you get a ride in the Deportation Catapult with a helmet, pads, and a pillow.
3. You must be willing to share your culture with us while adopting ours in the process.
Pretty simple, really. This is only a rough draft at this point (mainly because we’re still trying to get the patent on the Deportation Catapult), but it’s a good start.
Look, I know assimilation is a hard road, but if you’re driven to become an American, it’s worth it. We have people on waiting lists around the world wanting to live here even for a couple of years. If that doesn’t tell you how awesome America is as a country, nothing will.
Plus, we kick ass when it comes to fast food.
Tag: america
America the Still Pretty Nifty
America turned 250, and you don’t look a day over 249!
Many, many years ago, your humble correspondent wrote a piece called “America the Pretty Nifty” which has been lost to time, and probably for the best. From what I can remember of it, it was a combination of a genuine appreciation for my country and occasional humorous and culturally relevant asides.
You know, like this, but funnier.
Although I’ve gotten older (as have my jokes), I still haven’t lost my love for America. Granted, when it comes to America, I’m a bit of a “homer” as the sports-minded might say. The most exotic location I’ve traveled to outside our borders was…Canada, which is basically Minnesota with more donut places. (By the way, Tim Horton’s kicks butt!)
But aside from my homertude, I can see a lot of good things about America. And, yes, I see we have some work to do, but like I did when I first broached the subject the plusses outweigh the minuses.
For example, America still has at least a concept of free speech, even if we don’t always practice it well. Still, we have it, among many other rights outlined in the Bill of Rights, the US Constitution, and if you can believe it, the secret recipe for KFC chicken. (Which is like saying Kentucky Fried Chicken chicken, but work with me here.) There are people in Europe getting in trouble for speaking out against immigration among other issues who could really benefit from our freedom of speech.
Connected to freedom of speech is freedom of the press. Granted, most of the press are pretty much stenographers for the Left, but for those handful of journalists who still understand the difference between a news article and an op-ed, it’s good we have it.
And speaking of the Left, we have a healthy-ish political system that welcomes the Left, the Right, and every ideology in between. Now, if we could only figure out how to get better quality politicians…
As we’ve seen from numerous online videos from Europeans visiting for the World Cup, we still have things the rest of the world doesn’t. Like truck stops that double as mini malls. And WalMarts. And food that shortens your life, but leaves you with a smile on your face as you see St. Peter.
Which brings us (albeit indirectly) to American health care. People talk about how bad it is (and that’s not without reason), but there’s only one Mayo Clinic, where people from around the world come and get exceptional care. Throw in Johns Hopkins, the Centers for Disease Control (as long as Dr. Fauci is required to stay at least 1000 feet from the entrance), MIT, and many other medical and technological institutions of higher learning.
And people willingly come here for that kind of education because it has heft to it. Sure, you may be able to get your medical degree from the University of South Padre Island and Spay and Neuter Clinic, but you’ll lose out on every job opportunity from someone who came to America and got the same degree.
I’m a driver at heart, and one of the best things about America is its scenery. Whether you’re traveling down the historic Route 66 or making your way through the Heartland on a two-lane highway, there are some amazing vistas to be seen if you take the time to appreciate them.
And then there are the cities! Such bustling hubs of commerce where you can buy everything from legal firearms and illegal drugs, often from the same people. Now that’s convenience, kids!
One of the most fascinating aspects of America is we don’t have a single national identity, per se. At the beginning of the 20th Century, America became a melting pot where different cultures added to our mutt-like existence. As of today, we still have that. Not everyone who comes here integrates into the culture as much as others, but those who do make us richer by extension.
And that explains why there are different “vibes” throughout the country. If you like an active, edge-of-a-knife lifestyle, there’s New York City. If you’re into more mellowness, there’s Southern California. If you want a more sylvan environment, head to the Pacific Northwest. Mountains, prairies, valleys, deserts, swamps, we have it all and then some!
And perhaps the best part of America? We can disagree on how great America is! I know there’s a segment of our population who absolutely hates everything about America and thinks if we did things their way we would be far better. We call these people Leftists, and we can make fun of them to our hearts’ content. And I do as frequently as I can! Try doing that in China. Not only will you be hungry and hour later, but you might find yourself in prison or worse.
That’s right. I’m talking about a one-way ticket to UC Berkeley.
No matter what the naysayers nay-say, I love America because it’s one of the best places in the world. I mean, we have two Disney-named theme parks, and the rest of the world has…well, they have a couple more, but the point is they wouldn’t have had their if we didn’t start the trend.
And who does the world call on to fix things around the globe? Here’s a hint: it ain’t France.
Happy 250th America!
Fun Facts About America
Over the Fourth of July, a friend of mine was having a rough go of it for various reasons and just wanted to be cheered up with some good things about America. What started out as a friend helping a friend gave birth to what you’re about to read, some fun facts about America. Feel free to share this with your family, friends, coworkers, clergy members, and so on.
– America is the only country in the world with both bacon and Chuck Norris.
– Every Super Bowl winner has been American.
– America is the only place that has had both a fiction and real Steve Austin in existence.
– Our stick-mounted fried food culinary technology is unmatched.
– Who came up with the idea of putting laser light shows to the songs of Pink Floyd? America!
– The Big Gulp? Totally American! Ditto with slushie technology!
– Americans developed soft serve ice cream because the rest of the world wasn’t America enough.
– Who has competitive eating contests on the regular? It sure ain’t France, baby! It’s America!
– The vast majority of World Series winners? American! In fact, we’re the only country in the world with two leagues that play the same sport and are named with synonyms for each other!
– There have been exactly zero incidents of dingoes stealing our babies in America.
– The two American Disney parks have been more successful than any other Disney park in other parts of the world.
– We insist on calling our football (a game where feet aren’t typically used on offense to move the ball down the field) football and soccer (a game where feet are the primary method of of moving the ball down the field offensively) soccer instead of football.
– Name another country where you can take college courses on Taylor Swift and Beyonce and get academic credit for them. You can’t. That’s America!
– We are a melting pot of cultures, races, genders, and ideas. Where else can you find a gay communist furry revolutionary and have him/her/zim/zer be taken seriously?
– America is still the land of opportunity, whether it be entertainment, pop culture, or just starting a mom-and-pop store in the middle of nowhere. If you can dream it, America has a place for it, if only briefly.
– The American military makes significant advances in breaking other people’s stuff on a regular basis.
– Do you like to be rewarded for buying stuff? Thank America for coming up with that idea!
– Want to get married and get an annulment in the same weekend? Go to Las Vegas, USA, baby!
– Who had the cajones to drop not one, but two atomic bombs to end a war? America had the red, white, and blue balls to do it. (Okay, so I might need to work on the phrasing of that last one…)
– America had nothing to do with Wham’s “Last Christmas.”
– The majority of criminals featured on true crime shows and podcasts? American!
– America has multiple songs that could be considered national anthems from “The Star Spangled Banner” to “America F Yeah!”
That’s all I have for now. Don’t be surprised if I come out with another edition someday!
America the Pretty Nifty, Revisited
Many years ago before I became a part-time blogger and a full-time pain in the ass, I wrote a piece called “America the Pretty Nifty” where I extolled the virtues of this great country of ours. Times and opinions change, so on our nation’s “birthday,” I figured I’d take another look at the topic and see where it takes us.
In spite of all its faults, I still think America is one of the greatest countries in the world, if not the greatest. And I don’t say that because I’m a geopolitical homer. When I look at what we have to be proud of, I’m hard-pressed to find a better country anywhere else. Here are a few examples of what I mean.
The races tend to get along. – If you look at media coverage (and, at this point with their blatant and frequent dishonesty, why would you), you would think we’re on the verge of a race war. In truth, we’re nowhere near that point. As with any relationship, there are areas to work on, but overall our melting pot is pretty, well, melty.
America is still a land of innovation. – If you have a dream and the means to follow it, you can make it. After all, it was an American who decided to create a machine that cuts hair using the suction power of a vacuum cleaner. Take that, China! If you want/need a more recent example, just look to Elon Musk. He started out as a South African kid with a weird name and a dream and created a successful electric car company, a company trying to make space travel more accessible, and a way to trigger Leftists on Twitter merely by existing. If that’s not great, I don’t know what is.
We can still have robust intellectual discussions on most topics. – Although I haven’t found a space yet where this is happening, the law of averages says it has to exist somewhere. If you happen to find where it is, please let me know.
We survived a pandemic. – Whether it’s because or in spite of our medical science and political leadership, we came out of the COVID-19 outbreak better than we thought we might. (Observation may not be applicable to the elderly in New York State.) While we still quibble over the effectiveness of mask mandates, the “Fauci Ouchie,” and mandated lockdowns, the fact we have as many Americans as we do able to quibble is a testament to Americans. And speaking of the pandemic…
The pandemic helped people get creative. – When you can’t go outside, you have to figure out how to pass the time. To put it more mildly than salsa in Utah, the pandemic lead to a creative explosion that we are still seeing the ripples of today. Thanks to sites like Etsy and RedBubble, people with the creative bug not only showed off their wares, but were able to make decent money catering to the forced shut-in crowd. There’s even pandemic porn on the Internet (and I’m not talking about the kind pushed by the Fauci-ites, kids).
America is still the shining city on the hill. – Ronald Reagan popularized this image of America as a land of opportunity for people from around the world, and it still holds true today. There are millions upon millions of people who want to come here and start a new life. Granted, we don’t know for sure if it’s because we have opportunities or because Leftists have extended the largess of our tax dollars to make it difficult to resist, but the point is the same. People still want to be Americans.
We have a wealth of global entertainment options. – Hollywood, Silicon Valley, Broadway, Nashville, and many other American cities and locations are hotbeds of entertainment of all kinds. Art, music, theater, books, television, movies, podcasts, internet porn, it doesn’t matter. If you want it, America has it or can direct you to where you can get it. We have such a surplus of entertainment options, producers and directors are trying to recycle ideas that worked in the past, thus guaranteeing work for C-list and below actors if the “Sharknado” series has taught us anything.
Women are still free here. – Contrary to Leftist caterwauling about the recent Supreme Court decision that “overturned” Roe v Wade, women enjoy far more freedom here than their sisters globally. We might have been dragged kicking and screaming towards this point, but we got here and we continue to make strides to keep moving forward. Just remember, for a brief time, a piece of shit named Amber Heard was one of the most talked-about people in the world. Thanks, America!
The really bad/incompetent players haven’t fucked up everything yet. – Over the past few decades, we’ve had some real losers winning elections and getting political power. After all, the most powerful woman in the world not named Oprah or Lady Gaga got as many delegates in the 2020 Presidential race as I did and I didn’t even run. Yet, in spite of the Peter Principle being the rule of thumb in Washington, DC, nobody has done anything so devastating that it can’t be undone later. There have been a few close calls, I grant you, but even then America’s still standing.
We still value freedom. – The fact we fight like the Hatfields and McCoys on a PCP binge whenever there’s a debate over personal freedom is an indication of just how much we love freedom, even after all this time. Some of this is self-serving or done for political/ideological ends, but the passion is still there. Deep down inside, I think most Americans want everyone to be free to live their lives on their own terms, not the terms of others.
I still see America as a fix-er-upper, but one that is worth keeping working at to restore its past beauty and glory. And as long as there are people willing to put on their tool belts and put in the work, America will remain pretty nifty.