My fellow Americans,
After listening to parts of the most recent State of the Union Address, I came to a startling revelation, and I must apologize. For years, I have been calling the President “Puddin’ Head Joe” and even wrote a parody song about it. I was wrong, and I am sorry. From this point on, I shall refrain from calling the President Puddin’ Head Joe.
Because I found a much more appropriate name.
If you remember the film “Anchorman,” you should remember the character of Brick Tamland, the weatherman as played by Steve Carrell. To put it mildly, Brick was only a step or two from being a drooling idiot. If that doesn’t describe Joe Biden right now, I don’t know what does.
Anyway, President Tamland’s SOTU Address was full of shouting, gaslighting, divisiveness, and general what-in-the-Wide-World-of-Fuck that we’ve come to expect out of the guy. But at this point I have to ask whether he’s even up to be President of the HOA, let alone the United States.
This thought by itself would get be branded as ageist, ableist, or any other -ist the Left could muster to defend their guy, but it’s time we had an intervention. President Tamland is no longer capable of being President and no amount of water-carrying by the media will change that.
Especially when you consider the same assholes telling us how sharp President Tamland is were finding any excuse they could to make former President Donald Trump look like, well, the current President.
To be fair, though, Trump may not necessarily be the best alternative, either. By the time he would take the Oath of Office for a second time (should he be reelected), he would be 78 years old, only three years younger than President Tamland is now. Although Trump hasn’t exhibited the rate of mental decline his opponent has yet, maybe it’s time we start trending younger for Presidential candidates.
Not that the next generation of Presidential hopefuls is any great intellectual leap from the current crop, mind you. As our politicians skew younger, I swear they get dumber, as evidenced by Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Marjorie Taylor Greene. You could combine the two and still not come up with a half-wit.
But in today’s political environment, it doesn’t matter if you’re dumber than Brittany Spears’ current social media manager. All that matters is you vote “the right way.” Then, you will get the public support of your party, even if it’s through gritted teeth and reddened faces.
This leads to the great paradox of leadership. Those who would be great at it don’t want to do it, and those who suck at it are always the first in line to run for higher office. And once they get into office, you need an act of God (or in the case of Leftists, an act of Soros) to get them out, which means the worst of the worst become our problems year after year, election after election.
And by problems, I mean embarrassments. Between Rep. Eric Swalwell sleeping with a Chinese spy (and still getting to keep his position on the House Committee on Homeland Security) and Rep. Lauren Boebert giving out handies during a musical version of “Beetlejuice,” I’m surprised we don’t need to supply DC with more cold showers or at least lengths of hose to keep these horndogs thinking more about their jobs than about getting lucky. Then again, if they’re too busy fucking each other, they won’t have time to fuck us over, so there’s that.
What I’m trying to say is America is being run by people who could limbo under the lowest of standards with plenty of room to spare. While we’re busy worrying about how to make our dollars stretch more than Amy Schumer’s yoga pants, we tend to let things like candidate quality slide. We need to do a better job of holding our elected officials accountable at every level instead of shrugging and saying, “well, the other side is worse.” Remember, the lesser of two evils is still evil, and the lesser of two incompetents is still incompetent, even if the incompetent is on “our side.”
And people wonder why I’m voting for the C’thulu/Sweet Meteor of Death 2024 ticket.
Tag: state of the onion address
2023 State of the Onion Address
My fellow Americans. Oh, and you, too, Leftists.
2022 was an interesting year for the media. Sure, they still haven’t figured out how to get their favorability ratings above Hitler, Stalin, and Nickelback, but they really tried.
Just kidding. They still suck.
What made 2022 so interesting for the media was how many stories they got wrong, either on purpose or by accident, and how quickly (relatively speaking) they corrected these errors. One thing they weren’t shy about, though, was labeling news stories “conspiracy theories.” It’s gotten to the point parody news sites were doing better journalism than the serious ones.
The merging of opinion and news continued unabated, as did the elevation of certain stories/narratives along with the suppression of others. And, surprise surprise, much of the latter was done under the auspices of battling misinformation. Well, the problem was these fuckknuckles were too busy creating misinformation to bother with doing even basic reporting.
Let’s start with COVID-19. From the jump, media squawking heads put down anyone who wasn’t 100% behind getting the jab, wearing more masks than a Halloween costume model working straight commission, and worshiping at the altar of Saint Anthony of Fauci. Even negative stories about the good doctor, like the fact he supported gain of function research after saying repeatedly he didn’t, were turned into cudgels with which to beat the infidels.
And by infidels, I mean the people who were right to be skeptical about how cultish the pro-vax side had gotten. I have seen Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parades with less marching in lockstep than I saw during the height of COVID. And, yes, that sentiment remains today, even as more and more shit comes out about how full of shit the pro-vax side was. Even they could see the writing on the wall and started trying to play off their stridency as a “whoopsie doodle”!
And the media not only played a role in creating the “vax or you’re scum” environment, but unironically tried to get us to forgive and forget as though nothing major happened.
And the media wonder why people don’t trust them.
If I could offer some perspective (and I can because this is my post), a lot of it comes down to how far the media are willing to lie to us about what we’re seeing right in front of our eyes. We saw the start of a regime change within Twitter, which ruffled Leftist and media (but I repeat myself) feathers to no end. Elon Musk went from eco-friendly visionary to reactionary maniac hellbent on pushing right wing narratives. All because he saw what so many of us saw: Twitter wasn’t enforcing its own rules with any degree of fairness or obvious logic. Even now, most media types are ignoring or dismissing the Twitter Files instead of following up to either prove or disprove the information within them.
Oh, but the screamingly obvious that even Ray Charles can see (which is pretty damn impressive for a dead guy) has to be a figment of our imaginations.
Then, on the other ends of the impressiveness spectrum, we have media whore…I mean darling Taylor Lorenz. Words cannot express just how low my opinion of her journalistic skills is. The best way I can say it is if my opinion was any lower, it would bore through the Earth and come out the other side without stopping. Yet, because she starts shit, gets hit, and cries about it all, the media put her on a pedestal and gave her Most Favored Victim status. Whenever the topic of toxic online culture was brought up, you can be Ms. Lorenz was there to pick up a paycheck and pimp herself even more than a self-employed prostitute.
This isn’t to say the media on the Right was any better. Remember the “red wave” that was supposed to happen during the midterm elections? The one that was a lock and would cause Leftist heads to explode from sea to shining sea? Yeah…about that. So much bravado lead to so few seats being picked up by the GOP. And it didn’t help matters that media heat magnet Donald Trump used the same high quality judgement in picking candidates that he used to pick Cabinet posts. Trump went through staffers like most people go through chewing gum.
Although most Trump-backed candidates won (mostly because they were in safe Districts or were running unopposed), the media had a field day focusing on the more spectacular dumpster fires like Dr. Oz, who was as much of a Pennsylvanian as Gavin Newsom. This is because the media love a shitshow, and Trump’s presence in 2022 was a 25/8 shitshow because 24/7 just wasn’t long enough.
But there is a downside to all the media attention spent on Trump: Trump Derangement Syndrome. I’ll admit I was late to the party on this, thinking it was just a meme the Right used to mock the Left. After the media coverage from 2022, I’m a believer. It’s real, and it’s seriously affecting the brains of the media. Granted there’s not much to affect in the brains of most reporters, but even a mild case of TDS was enough to turn them from frothing-at-the-mouth Trump haters to…well, even bigger frothing-at-the-mouth Trump haters.
Yet, for all the intense scrutiny the media gave to every Trump foible, the media couldn’t wait to look the other way when it came to President Puddin’ Head Joe. On nearly a daily basis, the PHJ Administration embarrassed themselves, being over their heads in a political mud puddle in the Sahara. Whether it was Puddin’ Head Joe’s invention of nonsense words (which was and is attributed to stuttering) or Vice President Kamala Harris laughing at the most inappropriate times like she was huffing nitrous oxide on the daily to Administration officials being more tone deaf than William Hung, it was a 947 ring circus solely staffed by clowns on the daily.
But no mean tweets, amirite, kids?
Want proof? I have three words for you: Hunter Biden’s laptop. The media coverage of this story was more scarce than a Japanese fishing village when Godzilla came to town for a weekend bender. Instead, they were playing defense for Puddin’ Head Joe and Hunter “I’m Not a Crackhead, But..Wait, What Was I Saying” Biden at every turn, usually by…you guessed it, bringing up Trump. Let me give you media types some free advice: when your main defense of a politician you like revolves around smearing a politician you hate, your dude fucking sucks!
With the 2024 Presidential election right around the corner, the media are focusing on who they believe the next Republican candidate will be, and that person is…Donald Trump. Or Ron DeSantis. You know, whomever they want to shit on that day. Be prepared to see a lot more of what’s happened since 2016 to continue, only at a louder and more shrill volume. If current trends continue, media complaints about Trump and/or DeSantis are going to only be heard by dogs before the first ballot gets cast.
So, buckle up, kids. This year is going to be off the charts, and not in a good way!