Every modern political campaign these days is fraught with scandal. The severity of the scandal depends on a number of factors, not the least of which being how the politician at the center of it reacts.
This year, the Vice Presidential candidates (or at least the one on the ticket that actually got votes at the convention) are battling over stolen valor. As the son of someone who served (and as someone who isn’t a complete asshole…although the jury’s still out on that one), I take this matter pretty seriously. And that’s why I try to do my homework so I’m not throwing out an accusation that I can’t back up, thus not looking like a complete asshole in that case.
There is a lot more behind stolen valor than the words themselves, and in today’s hyper-political environment, it’s especially important to be accurate.
But since the person responsible for accuracy is on vacation, it’s my job.
stolen valor
What the Left thinks it means – an unfounded accusation made against Tim Walz that makes JD Vance look stupid
What it really means – taking credit for unearned military achievements
When dealing with military matters, I try to look for authoritative sources. And I’m going to guess a website chronicling the Medal of Honor and other military honors might just fit the bill.
HomeofHeroes.com describes stolen valor thus:
“Stolen Valor” is a term applied to the phenomenon of people falsely claiming military awards or medals they did not earn, service they did not perform, Prisoner of War experiences that never happened, and other tales of military actions that exist only in their minds.
So, no matter your rank in Call of Duty, you aren’t really a military expert, nor should you talk to anyone outside of your gaming group about your rank. And given some of the video gamers I’ve known, their rank isn’t just a military term.
Regardless, the description above jibes with something I’ve experienced personally. Those who served don’t tend to talk about it very much, while those who didn’t or served lighter duty than Al Gore can’t stop talking about it. Those who practice stolen valor are usually trying to pull a scam, whether it be for a discount on a breakfast meal, bang a hot and dumb sexual conquest, or a few pity dollars along the roadway. Those who get away with it tend to keep pushing it until the time they’re exposed as frauds.
Which brings us to politics.
The war of words between JD Vance and Tim Walz began when Vance accused Walz of stolen valor. Since then, Walz has rhetorically fired back, stating Vance shouldn’t denigrate anyone’s service record, let alone his.
Now for the $64,000 Question: is Walz guilty of stolen valor? (It was either that or “Where are your pants, sir?”)
Wellll…that’s a really good question (the stolen valor one, not the pants one). A lot depends on who you ask. Leftists, of course, say Walz is innocent and that Vance served less time than Walz did. The Right, on the other hand, noted Walz claimed a rank he hadn’t really earned and made a claim he experienced war during a speech about the need for gun control.
The thing is…both sides are right to a point. Although Walz isn’t trying to scam people out of anything but votes, he did claim a rank he didn’t earn. And although he did that, it’s questionable whether it rises to the level of stolen valor. As such, I think Vance and Donald Trump should drop this line of attack sooner rather than later since they don’t have a Delorean and a flux capacitor. Also, it gives Walz a chance to appear to be a victim of “right wing attacks” which will make Trump/Vance look dishonest and mean by comparison.
Of course, the media lead us to believe they are already, so…it’s a wash, I guess?
This is one of the pitfalls of politicizing stolen valor: if you’re wrong, you’re likely fucked. Furthermore, it takes something serious and reduces it to a talking point. Republicans will continue to say Walz is guilty of stolen valor, Leftists will continue to dismiss the allegation and point to Trump’s less-than-existent military career. And in the end, nobody’s really going to be convinced or do the digging into the allegations to find the truth.
Well, except for me, and my excuse is I don’t have hobbies, so take that for what it’s worth.
There is one upside to this, for me at least. Leftists, who have spent decades decrying war and violence, now have a Vice Presidential candidate who thumps his chest with pride for…being involved in war. Granted, the most action Walz saw was a really big squirt gun fight, but the point stands. Maybe they’re too caught up in the joy the Harris/Walz campaign is bringing to the race (at least, that’s what the media keep telling us).
Joy overdose or not, the Left’s hypocrisy here is worth pointing out. And by “pointing out” I mean “mock mercilessly.” You want peace in Palestine, but back a veteran in the #2 slot of the ticket? If you can make that make sense without invoking “Orange Man Bad,” give it a go. Just know I will be laughing at your futility.
Regardless of how you feel about Walz’s retirement or Vance’s service, the point is they both signed up for something I couldn’t do because I was young and stupid. They served this country willingly, and for that they both have my deepest respect. The rest of the shit they’ve done, though…that’s fair game.
Before I close this out and await the slings and arrows of outrageous Internet comments, I do have to call out Walz for his response to Vance’s accusations of stolen valor. No matter how much you try to frame it as maligning your military service, the fact is it wasn’t that much of a slight, and certainly not so much of a slight that it required a response more than a so-what. By showing it bothers you, you have given Trump/Vance a means to needle you and make you look defensive.
You know, the way you made them look defensive when you called them “weird”?
And given the fact the head of your ticket is more vacant than a We Can’t Afford a Roof Inn during rainy season, you’re taking the focus away from the her. Then again, if I had a record like Kamala Harris’s, I’d be embarrassed to show my face in public, too. Nevertheless, your response gave the accusation oxygen, which allows people from all sides to weigh in on the topic.
Including some of the folks you served with.
Maybe you can get some tips from John “Swift Boat, Not Swift Thinker” Kerry about that. Provided, of course, you can sit through a James Taylor set.
Meanwhile, I urge my conservative brethren and sistren to knock off the stolen valor claims against Tim Walz. They’re not helping. Besides, I’m sure if you look hard enough, you can find way worse shit with which to rhetorically batter him.
Tag: vice president
Extremist Makeover: The Vice Presidency
Hey, kids, and welcome to a segment I’d like to try out and see if people like it. If so, I’ll try to do one of these every so often if only to give me an excuse to do something other than Leftist Lexicon entries. If not…well, I may still do it anyway because I’m a stubborn asshole.
Either way, I feel a bit of explanation is in order. Throughout my time on the Interwebs, I’ve been called a right wing extremist more often than I can remember, so for the purposes of a 2000s callback, I’m going to lean into it for the purposes of this sketch.
Remember those TV shows where they revamp a home and make it better than it was? I’m going to apply that same mindset to different topics that come to mind in the hopes of entertaining you and maybe, just maybe, giving you a new perspective. Or failing that, give you another reason to send me hate mail. With that being said, let’s get into this edition’s Extremist Makeover.
At one time, a President’s Vice President was as important a pick as the name at the top of the ticket. But after the past few elections, the Vice President has become less relevant than the footnotes of a Media Matters hit piece. Aside from a few Constitutional and ceremonial duties, the Vice President doesn’t actually do very much. If he or she is doing a good job, you typically don’t hear about him/her because, let’s face it, it’s a boring job.
And it’s not like it’s a lock for a better job. The last Vice President who got elected President was Puddin’ Head Joe, and neither of his stints were all that memorable. Anymore the Vice Presidency is a safeguard for the President because nobody wants to see that person with access to the nuclear codes. Think I’m wrong? Take a look at this list of less than luminaries.
George H. W. Bush – sorta wimpy, hates broccoli and the laps of Japanese leaders
Dan Quayle – young guy, bad speller
Al Gore – the archetype of every “typical white man” joke ever told
Dick Cheney – Wilfred Brimley with a shotgun
Joe Biden – an incompetent dumbass whose resume in the private sector is lighter than a supermodel’s snack
Mike Pence – what would happen if mayonnaise gained sentience and assumed human form
Kamala Harris – someone I wouldn’t trust on a diplomatic mission to Alderaan
And these are the Vice Presidents of the winners of the Presidency. The losers are far less impressive.
Let that fact roll around in your brains for a minute.
Clearly, the Vice Presidency has lost its luster, so how do we (or more specifically, I) fix that? Given the propensity of the Vice President to be the one voted Most Likely To Drool On Themselves from their respective high schools, it may not be in our power to make things better. However, I think we can make the role match the quality.
The Vice President is considered the Second Gentleman or Second Lady in the case of the aforementioned Mrs. Harris. To better align the actual duties of the office with the most appropriate title, I propose the Vice President be called the Second Banana. For people unfamiliar with the term, a second banana is someone who supports the main act, specifically a comedian. Given how much of a joke politics has gotten recently, that’s not too far from the truth as it stands.
Since a second banana is there to support the first banana, there isn’t much expected of him/her, but there are times when the second banana can become a first banana through sheer popularity or excellent performance. That takes a lot of work and competence, which are in short supply in Washington, DC, these days. If the Second Banana wants to be considered for a spin-off (i.e. the Presidency), he or she is going to have to show the ability to carry it instead of just assuming it’s a done deal. That’s how we got “Joey” after “Friends” went off the air.
In short, changing the Vice President to the Second Banana will help bring about better Presidents while providing us with laughs for years to come!
So, what do you think of this Extremist Makeover? Do you have any ideas for future makeovers? Let me know!