Extremist Makeover: Caucuses/Primaries Edition

As we enter 2024, this is like Christmas all over again for political geeks like me because we start having caucuses and primaries where the two major parties try to convince us they will do a better job at ignoring our interests than the other side. And for a few weeks, different states are the most important places for candidates to be. Then, before the confetti and balloons can be cleaned up, the candidates are off to a different state that will become the most important place to be.

This kind of political vagrancy isn’t without controversy, however. States like California have complained about how states like Iowa and New Hampshire get first crack at potential candidates while they have to wait for closer to the end of the selection cycle to pick who’s left. Iowa and New Hampshire, on the other hand, take pride in being the first in the nation to select candidates.

And then there is the barrage of political ads where PACs and candidates play fast and loose with the truth in an attempt to one-up the rest of the pack. Between the mailers, radio ads, TV ads, internet ads, and personal appearances, it’s getting to the point voters are tired of the process on Election Day…which is when the next campaigns seem to begin.

So, how do we fix this? Thankfully, I’m a solutions-oriented guy and I think I have some solutions.

1. Reduce the length of the caucuses/primaries to 4 weeks. With the interwebs, people are connected 25/8 (because Common Core math), so there really isn’t much of a need for candidates to travel from state to state to shake hands and kiss babies. Just don’t get the two mixed up, kids. Anyway, if we create a tighter window where candidates can meet with potential voters, there won’t be as much pre-election burnout and, at least theoretically, it will force candidates to make their best arguments first. Of course, some candidates don’t have good arguments to vote for them in the first place, so having their embarrassment limited to a month at most will help them realize their folly or retool for the next run.

2. Enforce truth in advertising laws for political ads. Every politician lies, and their campaigns only enforce the lies they want told. Compare that to, say, drug ads, where every possible side effect has to be named in case someone has an adverse reaction. Although electing a politician may not cause physical maladies, you can still have an adverse reaction. Instead of hiring a lawyer and filing suit against candidates, let’s take another tack and treat political ads the same way we treat drug ads with the same demand of honesty and transparency. That alone might prevent some political types from running in the first place, which makes the process better by subtraction! Win-win, baby!

3. Split up the caucuses/primaries so they can be done in a month. There are 56 caucuses and primaries among the states and American territories. By my math, that means we could have 14 caucuses and primaries for each of the 4 weeks. And, yes, California, it can be alphabetical, so you can be first in the nation for something other than bad ideas and worse politicians.

There are other options that are tangentially related to the process, but I think these will be a good start to making caucuses and primaries better for everyone.

Failing that, there’s always cage fighting.