Hey, kids. It’s your internet buddy, Thomas. Listen, we need to talk about what just happened a couple of weeks ago. You know when your side lost to Donald Trump, again?
Now, this isn’t going to be one of those pieces where I mock your misfortune. There’s plenty of time to do that, and trust me I will. Instead, this piece has more of a serious tone, but will occasionally move into humorous terrain because I’m a firm believer politics is too serious a topic not to make fun of it.
So, with that being said, let me start with a question: what in the red, white, and blue fuck is wrong with you? Seriously, I’ve seen Chicago Bears fans this year take losses better than you have.
But that’s not the issue I have with you right now. I expect you to be sore losers because you’re sore winners. Where I’m coming from is what you refuse to learn from this ass-whupping and how it’s going to fuck you sideways in future elections unless you figure this shit out.
Let’s start with the Democatic scapegoat…I mean candidate, Kamala Harris. She had three and a half years to show she could fill in for Joe Biden and she failed. Now, you could (and definitely have) tried to chalk this up to racism, sexism, homophobia, xenophobia, agoraphobia (probably), and a metric shit-ton of other buzzwords, but there is a simpler reason.
She positively sucked as a candidate.
A lot of that falls at her feet. She didn’t have a clear, consistent message that resonated with anyone with higher than a third grade education for starters. I mean, “joy” as one of the many campaign trial (and mostly error) balloons? That’s about as fucking stupid as a candidate whose entire campaign could be boiled down to “hope” and “change.” But, I’m sure no one would ever be dumb enough to run such a candidate…okay, never mind.
The point is nothing she did seemed to be relatable because it truly felt she was only reciting squawking points without even a micron of sincerity. Except when it came to calling Donald Trump and his followers fascists because that always works, right?
Ooooooh. That didn’t work this time, did it? See, what works for your party faithful may not work for anyone else. And it leads to another aspect of her failed campaign: nobody who worked on it knows a fucking thing about what the electorate wants or needs. When Ms. Harris wasn’t dodging live interviews with people who might ask her a question more difficult than “What color is the red fire truck?” she was talking down to us, as were her surrogates and media types (who were pretty much one in the same). And last time I checked, joy didn’t pay the fucking bills.
And given how much she spent on celebrities, I really don’t think I’d trust her to run a tab at an all-you-can-drink water bar, let alone propose new spending to drive up the national debt even higher. I mean, she raised over a billion dollars and still came up a couple mil in the hole? But I’m sure it was money well wasted.
And while we’re here, whose idea was it to drag out celebrities who don’t have to take out a second mortgage to get a dozen eggs to tell us all how Kamala Harris is going to make our lives better? If you find out, make sure he or she is never allowed to do anything more complicated than getting coffee for the campaign staff, and even then double check to make sure the orders didn’t get fucked up. A pretty tall order, if not a grande or vente.
Meanwhile back at the clusterfuck that is the Left, there is a point you need to seriously consider, but you probably won’t because it would lead to enlightenment and self-reflection, that being you made the Trump victory possible. Who hid Joe Biden’s cognitive decline and gaslighted anyone who pointed out he wasn’t playing well with reality? That was you. Who decided to push away a Kennedy from the party? You again! Who tried to push Biden out of the race well after he had secured the nomination? Also you. Who decided to make one of the least popular Vice Presidents in modern history into the Second Coming of Barack Obama? Still you.
See a pattern forming here, kids?
And that’s only on your side of the aisle. You also made Donald Trump into a sympathetic figure. Convicted of 34 felonies, survivor of at least 2 known assassination attempts, the target of Leftists within the halls of power at the local, state, and federal levels, the center of a number of prove lies, and being accused of being weird, fascist, and the end of democracy as we know it. This should have been a slam dunk for Harris, but you assholes snatched defeat from the jaws of victory, and removed the lack of a popular vote victory that you saddled him with in 2016.
If your goal was to make Michael Dukakis in a tank look like George W. Bush on an aircraft carrier, mission accomplished. If your goal was to make Kamala Harris a viable Presidential candidate, boy did you fuck that up!
While you’re busy coming up with excuses to remove your fingerprints off Trump 47, there should be a moment of self-reflection when you realize no amount of Lady MacBeth-esque scrubbing will get your grubby fingerprints off the Election 2024 clusterfuck.
But when you’re ready to make progress instead of making stupid blue wristbands so you can recognize each other as you cosplay as The Handmaid’s Tale, it’s time you face some really hard truths.
1. Pissing off potential voters isn’t ever a winning strategy.
2. Acting like you’re smarter than you actually are will only make you look like assholes.
3. You are way too intellectually and ideologically insulated to know what your policies are doing to people outside of your circles.
4. You have no real bench for the 2028 Presidential election because you’re too focused on identity politics.
5. With the LGBTQIALEUCOMEONYOUCANNOTADDMOREFUCKINGLETTERSANDSYMBOLSTOTHISMOMENT+ community, you are trying to appeal to a fraction of a fraction of the population, which guarantees you will continue to be trounced in the polls.
But if recent polling is accurate, you idiots want Kamala Harris to run again in 2028.
You know, maybe getting pimp-slapped by the Right repeatedly is the best possible outcome for you. Maybe then you’ll figure this shit out and stop pissing off people you need to vote for you.